& you he made alive

2011-01-14T11:33:00.002-06:00

I'VE MOVED!

In an attempt to simplify my life and consolidate the (three!) blogs I was maintaining, I moved to a new blog.

You can now find me at austin life, (un)edited.

Here you can find music & movie reviews, a focus on philanthropy, stories of my adventures in Austin, and musings on life & God.

Hope to see you there!

i thank god for poverty.

2010-08-03T12:01:00.005-05:00

one of my greatest passions in life is an incredible organization called compassion international. i sponsor two beautiful little girls through compassion, one in peru and one in the dominican republic. they are my world!

over my past few summers with student life, i have had the opportunity to meet and share life with several people who grew up in compassion projects around the world. as children, they lived in poverty; but because of the love of christ shown through compassion international they are now engineers, social workers, teachers, and pastors who are making a difference in their communities.

this summer, i have served alongside two great friends from kenya, maureen and brooke. maureen was my roommate for three weeks this summer, and she is one of the godliest, sassiest people in the entire world. she didn't exactly have her own alarm clock, and within minutes of us being roommates she asked if i could wake her up at 3:45 in the morning so that she could pray. needless to say, we made sure she got her own alarm clock before too long.

during one of our late night roommate talks, she looked me in the eye and said, "caroline, i thank god for poverty. because without it, i may have never come to know jesus christ." what kind of faith is that? seriously.

this past week, i had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to witness my friend brooke meet his sponsor. we had heard so much about his sponsor this summer: his name was donald livingston. he lived in new york city. he sent brooke postcards of central park. he was the first person to tell brooke that he loved him. he kept brooke's picture on his desk and prayed for him every morning. from the way brooke spoke of him, he was this larger-than-life super christian he swooped down from the top of a skyscraper in new york with a superhero cape and rescued brooke from poverty singlehandedly.

in the middle of brooke's presentation about compassion, his sponsor surprised him and joined him onstage, their first time to meet in person. to say brooke lost it is an understatement. it was one of the most raw, emotional, joyful, meaningful experiences i've ever witnessed. brooke stood there and held his beloved sponsor, speechless. after a few moments, the only words he could muster were, "glory to god."

what really got to me, though, was seeing his sponsor. i had imagined this god-like person, and instead i discovered that donald was actually very normal. he was just some guy from new york who had picked up a packet at a church service twelve years ago and acted obediently on the lord's call on his life to sponsor brooke.

this is good news to us, though. we are broken. we are sinful. we are mediocre. we are the last ones picked. and yet in our weakness god chooses to flex his muscles.

again, this is good news to us.

because of god's crazy plan to use us, the church, in order to advance his kingdom in the world, ordinary guys like donald livingston can be a hero to a kenyan named brooke carrinton. jesus used a rag tag group of twelve clueless guys to create a movement called the early church, and god chooses to use us, as broken and messed up as we are, to eternally impact others for his glory.

what wondrous love, right?

all of that to say this: god wants to use you in spite of yourself to change the life of a child growing up in poverty. god wants to use you to rescue them from the pit of despair and bring hope into their life. god wants to use you to bring them the name of jesus. god wants to use you to make sure they are fed, cared for, educated, and loved in the name of jesus.

may you allow yourself to be used for his glory.

for more information about compassion international, check out their website. you can sponsor a child or make a donation online. also, here is a video of my dear friend brooke meeting his sponsor. it is a little long, but i promise you won't regret watching it:

& you give yourself away.

2010-01-24T13:35:00.004-06:00

since i've last written here, quite a bit has happened in my life. relationships have changed drastically, i moved to my dream city leaving my family behind, i started grad school, i reconnected with old friends, i finally had space to begin wrapping my head around the immense sorrow of the past year and the very real promise of the new one. and although i don't say this out loud much, i feel like i'm becoming more of myself again (i affectionately call this better version of me "old caroline," however accurate or inaccurate that may be). it's like someone took the blinders off of my eyes, stripping away the tunnel vision that this past year produced, and i can see in color again. it's really a refreshing feeling.

and as i've begun to dig around in the emotional rubble of my heart, the best things i've found amidst the debris are old passions cast aside out of selfishness or sadness. picking them up and dusting them off has created within me a rich sense of rebirth or resurrection--a reminder that god's purpose for me is so much greater than sorrow and pain.

all that to say, lately i've been constantly aware of the beautiful purpose the lord has for his church--we are his hands and feet to be the bearers of beauty in a lost and broken world. we are to be agents of hope to those who are dying, arrows pointing to the lover of their souls. we are to be people who meet needs wherever and whatever they are. and that gets me excited, honestly.

especially in the wake of the devastating earthquake in haiti nearly two weeks ago, i've been thinking a lot about what i can do to be the light of the world to those struggling in darkness. you probably have been too. i hope you agree with me that simply being aware of something is not enough (and in my experience, i've found that awareness alone is a trap we get caught in that can stroke our egos but do nothing to alleviate the hurt of others). rather, love must be demonstrated, as our ultimate example of love is christ's demonstration of it on the cross.

so here is my practical answer to the question, "what can i do to help?" it may seem oversimplified, but i find myself challenged in all of the areas daily. all are necessary actions for those who belong to christ.

1) give prayer. pages and pages of words could be written on the theology of prayer and would really just skim the surface. the power of prayer is a mystery to me, but i do know that it is something we are commanded to do in scripture. i do know that it is effective (or it availeth much, as my grandfather would say). i do know that it somehow connects our selfish hearts with the selfless heart of god, and it changes us and things. sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about yourself long enough to voice a prayer for someone else's needs.

2) give presence. this seems pretty simple. go out and give of your time. get on the ground and don't be afraid to get your hands dirty. hug someone who smells bad. volunteer. build a home. feed someone who is homeless and hungry. listen to someone with a broken heart. giving your presence takes away the separation of "us" and "them," and humanizes the suffering--often reminding us to be people of humility, recognizing that every blessing comes from the father.

3) give materially. you know all of the stuff you have at your house that you have used once? you don't need it. give it away. be a blessing. keep your local food pantry stocked with canned goods. do you know how many people would love a blanket in the cold, a coat in the winter? i'm betting you have them. orphanages all over the world need basic supplies like bottles and infant formula--and you live right next to a wal-mart. giving materially is a great way to see directly how your gift will be used in someone's life, and is often pretty encouraging.

4) give monetarily. we serve the god of money in america. harsh? maybe. but true? absolutely. part with your money (sacrificially); it's a commandment. i've found two things to be true about giving money: a) it is often the greatest need aid organizations (and people) have, more than your time, awareness, or stuff. b) however, people (myself included) seem to have the most trouble letting go of it. i honestly think that the second reason is probably why god gave believers a bare minimum amount to give of their money (a tithe, or ten percent), because without an explicit commandment i'm not sure we'd focus on giving monetarily nearly as much as we do.

so as the spirit directs your eyes and heart to see the needs of those around you, get involved by giving. don't sit around and lose hope, thinking there is nothing you can do. there is always something you can do to impact the world for the kingdom of heaven. give yourself away, as christ literally gave himself away out of love for us.

like waves on the ocean singing old songs.

2009-12-09T00:31:00.011-06:00

tonight i sat down with my itunes and a pen & paper and wrote down my favorite albums of 2009.

i only had two rules: the album had to be added to my itunes this year (as in, it did not actually have to be released in 2009), and an artist could only appear once officially.

so, here's the list, starting at number thirty:

30) jeff johnson--amazed.
29) mandi mapes/the church at brook hills--love story.
a precious acoustic ep by an upcoming talent out of birmingham. and though it doesn't appear on this album, the first song i ever heard by her ("glory in the highest") became not only my most listened to song in 2009, but my most listened to song ever.
28) kings of leon--only by the night.
27) explosions in the sky--all of a sudden i miss everyone.
best concert moment ever: free explosions show on the lake in downtown austin. the sun has just gone down, and at the climax of their final song fireworks appear in the sky behind them for about fifteen minutes.
26) neko case--fox confessor brings the flood.
25) paramore--riot!
i have always felt too cool to listen to paramore until one of my best friends inundated me with this album.
24) t.i.--paper trail.
23) fiction family--fiction family.
22) britney spears--circus.
21) kanye west--808s & heartbreak.
20) waterdeep--heart attack time machine (also of note: pink & blue).
19) glee cast--glee, the music: vol. 1.
i am a sucker for those glee kids. mostly because i was rachel berry in high school. believe me.
18) derek webb--stockholm syndrome.
i was very skeptical of this album as it took a hard turn from webb's previous work. it is bold and new, and i ended up appreciating it. simply put, this album is daring, anyway you look at it.
17) leeland--love is on the move.
(especially: the tracks "pure bride" and "via dolorosa").
16) matt papa--your kingdom come.
15) sleeping at last--storyboards.
14) cat stevens--greatest hits.
i feel this is a bit misleading. this was one of my favorite albums to listen to on our record player as a child, but i took a cat stevens hiatus as i got older. i rediscovered this album on itunes this year and fell for him all over again.
13) kari jobe--kari jobe.
12) doves--the last broadcast.
11) aaron ivey--between the beauty & chaos.
aaron is one of my favorite worships leaders to ever have the pleasure to work & worship with. this album (along with chuck hooten, more on him later) became the sort of soundtrack for our team on the road, and is so incredibly good.
10) kristian stanfill--attention.
another student life worship leader. he lives up to the hype.
9) chuck hooten--what wondrous love.
all twenty five of our student life staff members had this album on repeat for the bulk of the summer--and we never got tired of it. the title track is the best on the album, but "touch of god" and "to you" are both nearly transcendent.
8) the temper trap--conditions.
i wanted this album so badly i had to buy it in pounds and convert it to dollars via paypal. well worth the trouble.
7) jars of clay--the long fall back to earth.
i am absolutely amazed at how jars of clay remains relevant with each new album they release. i love hearing artistic growth, and this album reveals that. favorite track: "boys (lesson one)."
6) various artists--(500) days of summer soundtrack.
5) bifrost arts--come o spirit! anthology of hymns & spiritual songs, vol. 1.
one of my favorite musical discoveries of the year. this album was made to bring art and creativity back into the sacred realms of life. and any band that can refer to themselves as a "non-profit organization" (not kidding) is okay in my book.
4) the damnwells--the last century.
this album personified much of the heartbreak i felt this year, but in a way twinged with hope and beauty. another beautiful musical discovery.
3) owl city--ocean eyes.
i can't tell you how much hope and happiness this album brought me. it is simple and joyful. favorite track: "meteor shower."
2) david crowder band--church music.
this album was a revelation. i had all but given up on dcb after the travesty that was "remedy", and this to me was a triumphant return. in a word, this album is epic. you cannot listen to it and not feel like you are a part of something huge.
1) josh garrells--jacaranda.
i could write an entire entry on this album alone. this album is perfect. inspiring, different, at times heartbreaking and at other times sheer fun. most importantly, though, the album's theme centers around the concept of seasons of life, inspired by the famous ecclesiastes 3 chapter. he carries this out stunningly. without question the best album of my 2009.

a few notes:
my musical taste has calmed down quite a bit. i used to be an indie music nazi, always looking for some obscure new artist with a creative, sometimes avant-garde sound. i swore off most traditionally "christian" music as i went to college (because let's be real, a whole lot of it is [artistically, creatively] crap) after four years of high school listening to only ccm. any music played on the radio was beneath me.

now, i'm more open to liking what i like, regardless of how hip or popular or well thought of it is. (if you have a spare moment, compare this list to my list from two years ago). after two summers with student life, i've gotten to know many christian artists and respect their creative process. i've also done the work to find people who are truly inspired by jesus in ways that lead them to do something different musically.

and hey, there's nothing wrong with a little britney spears or paramore every now and then, right?

what are your favorite albums of the year?

i can feel you all around me.

2009-12-08T14:35:00.012-06:00

have i mentioned how much i am looking forward to this year being over?

i'll keep it simple: i've had a rough year. potentially the most difficult of my life (at time of press, i can think of no others giving it a run for its money). i am so glad that in less than a month i can kiss 2009 goodbye and embrace the hope and possibility of a promising 2010.

i've realized lately, though, that the pervasive feeling of sadness has blinded me to a lot of the wonderful blessings of grace that have sustained me this year. i have been trying to allow myself the freedom to feel happiness recently, even if just for a few moments.

so, here's a list, by no means comprehensive, of things that made me happy in 2009:

1) i marked two items off my bucket list: see u2 live and go to the grand canyon.

2) i was at one point or another in 17 states this year: texas, louisiana, alabama, georgia, florida, south carolina, north carolina, tennessee, virginia, west virginia, maryland, new jersey, pennsylvania, new york, arizona, california, and colorado. not to mention that i am making a trip to our nation's capital in two days.

3) briarwood. though it is inevitable that when you get seven girls together there will be drama (and there was), these girls are my soulmates. no matter what i am going through, at least one of them will be there to be the shoulder i need to cry on.

4) josh garrells' album "jacaranda." my goodness.

5) blue team 2009. exactly who i needed, exactly when i needed them.

6) the two people in 2009 who kept me sane: ashley franks and beth ann hill.

7) i saw quite a few wonderful people live this year, including explosions in the sky, bob schneider, leeland, david crowder band, u2, incubus, and owl city, among others.

8) i took up painting, and i actually love it (most of the time).

9) the city of austin. even though i didn't visit it as much as i would like to, it always held so much promise and hope in the back of my mind as something to aim for, something the keep me going. and now, i'm going to live there.

10) i saw half the world's oceans this year.

11) second annual snow day.

12) i bought a menorah, after years of searching!

13) by far the most star struck i have ever been in my life: meeting david after dentist.

14) my beautiful, loving, sometimes dysfunctional but always precious to me family.

15) lookout mountain. it provided the perfect scenery and history to serve as the backdrop for the story my lord was writing for my life. have i ever mentioned that my ancestors fought and died on that mountain?

16) the flutter in your stomach that comes with the very first "i love you" from someone. even though it's bittersweet now, i will always look back on this moment and smile.

17) on that note, starting off 2009 with a first kiss was a great way to begin the year.

18) canoeing. canoeing, canoeing, canoeing.

19) learning that the most difficult times in your walk with the lord are also the ones that are the most intimate.

20) getting my absolutely beautiful wrist tattoo.

21) staffing the vista grand disciple now in colorado springs. such a real reminder that the lord has a greater purpose for my life than just pain (and that he even has a purpose for the pain, for in the kingdom of god nothing is wasted).

22) my best friend asked me to present him his aggie ring. one of my greatest aggie moments to date.

23) my other greatest aggie moment? being asked by yell leader friends to go out on the field with them during this season's first midnight yell.

i may revisit this and add to it. this was good for me.

seasons of rain.

2009-11-22T16:27:00.003-06:00

Richard Elton Jones was born September 29, 1933, to Buck & Essie Mae Jones in Silsbee, Texas. His sister, Mary Grace, joined the family two years later and they enjoyed a wonderful childhood with friends and family on Fourth Street. He would walk with his family to First Baptist Church, where he was a lifelong member, every Sunday morning. Richard attended school in Silsbee, and in high school was elected as the first Student Body President. He graduated in 1951, and left Silsbee to attend Texas A&M University in College Station. At A&M, Richard was a four-year member of the Corps of Cadets, serving in the original mascot company and receiving the honor of distinguished student several semesters. During his junior year, he met Wanda Kelley at Dr. Poshtaskie’s office in town. He asked her out for a date on the spot. She politely declined, but after some persistence he finally managed to win her heart. The two were married on July 22, 1955, soon after Richard graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in marketing as a commissioned army officer.

After graduation, Richard and Wanda were stationed with the U.S. Army in Fort Lee, Virginia. Then, the pair were transferred to Memphis, Tennessee, where they attended Bellview Baptist Church. They then were sent to Germany, where he spent the rest of his active duty, attaining the rank of Captain. He later became a Lt. Colonel in the Army Reserves. In late 1957, Richard and Wanda returned to the United States and within a month welcomed a son, Robert Martin Jones. Three years later, the family welcomed their daughter, Lou Anne.

Upon returning to Silsbee, Richard worked with his father in the family business, Buck Jones Lumber Company, and took ownership of the company after his father’s death. Though originally the business was solely lumber and building materials, under Richard’s direction it later became a home decorating center, being renamed Jones Decorating in the late 1970s and Jones Abbey Carpet in the 1990s. He was devoted to his costumers and employees, and continued operating the center until 2007. When he finally closed the business, he donated the building and property to First Baptist Church, where it is now used as an activity center.

Richard was always active within the community, having served in many different civic and professional organizations, among them the Kiwanis Club and the Silsbee ISD School Board, serving as president in both. He was an active member of the Chamber of Commerce, Texas Lumberman’s Association, and Allied Building Industries. He also had a strong interest in politics, serving as a local election judge, member of the NRA, and chairman of the Hardin County Republican Party.

Richard will be remembered as a man with profound, strong faith in the Lord, and taught his men’s Sunday School class faithfully for several decades. He was ordained as a deacon in his twenties, and served as the chairman of the deacons for many years. He was an active member of the Gideons, and served on the Board of Regents of Luther Rice University in Atlanta as well as the board for David Woods Ministries. Known for his generosity, he supported many other ministry organizations as well.

He loved reading, genealogy, history, traveling, and good food. Most of all, though, he loved his family. He and Wanda had three grandchildren, Justin, Elizabeth, and Caroline, and were proud when all three of them graduated from college—two of them from Richard’s beloved Texas A&M. He spent the last years of his life caring for his dear wife, Wanda, to whom he was married for over 54 years.

Richard was preceded in death his parents, Buck and Essie Mae Jones, son Robert Martin Jones, and five weeks ago by wife Wanda Kelley Jones. He is survived by his daughter Lou Anne Parish and husband Robert, of Silsbee, sister Mary Grace Bower, of Silsbee, grandson Justin Jones and wife Kristen, of Beaumont, granddaughter Elizabeth Sweatt and fiancé James Parsley, of Beaumont, granddaughter Caroline Sweatt, of Austin, step-grandson Rocky Parish, of Laurence, Kansas, step-grandson Scott Parish and wife Whitnie, and great-granddaughter Audrey, of Groves.

faith enough.

2009-11-10T00:52:00.008-06:00

in youth group growing up, periodically we would take spiritual gifts assessments. far and away the most common gift for my peers to have, according to these assessments, was faith. however, for me faith always ranked among the lowest of the low (right alongside mercy and service. you want to be my friend now, don't you?).

i never really gave this much thought until recently. most of my 2009 has been an exercise in learning to trust the lord--a lesson i am extremely slow in learning, believe me. from losing loved ones to falling in (and crawling out) of love, graduating college to unexpectedly deciding to go to grad school, moving on top of a mountain in georgia to moving back to silsbee, i have just felt completely tossed about and without a clue for most of this year. when i finally get to a point where i see the result of the lord's faithfulness in my life, some new trial comes along and throws inconsistent me into question again. and i have realized the core issue at stake here: in a nutshell, i am "oh, ye of little faith."

the result of this? some much-needed humility in my walk with the lord. a sense of vulnerability before my creator. and real intimacy with christ through doubt.

i'm at another one of those interesting places right now that is both evidence of god's continued faithfulness and cause for me to be a scaredy cat. tomorrow, i'm going to look at apartments in a brand new place. i'm essentially starting over, and i have no idea what my life is going to look like in just a few short weeks.

this past weekend i spent in colorado springs working at a church i have been blessed to partner with. i stared at the sun setting behind the mountains on the western edge of the town as my plane took off and headed back to my normal life. in the other direction, plains and roads and sandy yellow fields stretched into infinity away from the mountains.

i realized as we flew away from the beautiful mountains and into the dark that i wasn't afraid of the stretch ahead. i stared out my window at the vast, limitless unknown and saw more to hope for than to fear. and what fear i did possess felt more like reverence than terror.

hebrews 11 talks about faith in a more obvious way than possibly any other section of scripture, and i find myself coming back to a few verses found here day after day. after talking about some of our forefathers' faith, the author of hebrews explains,

these all died in faith, not having received the things promised but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they are strangers and exiles on the earth. for people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. if they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. but as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. therefore, god is not ashamed to be called their god, for he has prepared for them a city.

i have this passage circled in my bible because i feel it ring true deep within my soul.

i am so quick to forget the promises of god. promises like he loves me and has a plan for my life. promises like he will fulfill his purpose for me and never forsake the work of his hands. promises like he will never leave me or forsake me. promises like he will carry out to completion the work has has begun in my life (and in me).

then i read something like this passage, with its beautiful imagery and poetic language and memorable exposition of a theme, and i can't help but rejoice. instead of freaking out or kicking and screaming as i am so prone to do, those to whom the passage refers see the as of yet unfulfilled promises far off in the distance and greet them, as if to say, "see you soon."

oh, to have this sort of faith. lord, i believe. help my unbelief.

so, promises--i see you over there in the distance. you aren't as close as i would like you to be, but i see you coming toward me every day. i'll be seeing you soon.

lord, save us from ourselves.

2009-11-05T00:03:00.008-06:00

if you've been around me for longer than five minutes, you've probably heard me wax philosophical about how perfectly strange the bible is. i don't mean that in an irreverent way. i love the bible both because of and in spite of its continual oddities.

i've been reading judges lately, which is absolutely brilliant in its quirkiness. it contains everything from the story of a fat king who pooped his pants when stabbed by a left-handed israelite to the story of a prostitute murdered in the style of jack the ripper. no, i'm not making this stuff up. with all of its often graphic, violent, and always weird content, it's no wonder that the main story we focus on is about a guy who was strong enough to single-handedly kill 1000 men with the jawbone of a donkey--that is, until his no-account woman cut all his hair off.

i came upon a particularly famous character in judges, a guy from the wrong side of the jordan river named gideon. if you grew up in church like me, then you are probably familiar with his story, and would explain it something like this:

israel is oppressed by the midianites.
god chooses gideon to deliver his people from the midianites.
gideon assembles a large army to fight them.
god tells him to fire most of his soldiers, leaving only 300 fighting men.
gideon leads the 300 men to fight the midianites and win.
the people rejoice.
having saved the day, gideon rides off into a super-holy sunset on his super-holy stallion.

as i was reading the story for the first time in a long time the other day, i was struck by the fact that the truth was very little like what i had just written. gideon, instead of being some intimidating rock star of the faith, quickly became someone i could very much relate to in his uncertainty and penchant for kicking and screaming.

here's the scene: israel has been disobedient (story of their life, seriously), and as a result are oppressed by the midianites. gideon is out and about one day trying to hide his wheat from the oppressors when a messenger from the lord shows up and calls him out, addressing him as a "mighty man of valor" and claiming that the lord is with him.

this is when i start to relate to gideon. he gets all pithy with the angel and essentially whines like a little baby, "yeah, well, if the lord is with me, then can you explain to me why i am out here hiding my food from people who want to take it and be jerks to me?"

to which the angel responds, "yeah, about that. you're going to save israel from those guys."

imagine gideon's reaction. after arguing with the angel for a bit about his newfound responsibility, he works out a deal. "listen," he says, "before i'm signing my name to anything, i'm going to need a sign. nothing too flashy--just some supernatural crazy something-or-other. i'm gonna head inside, and make you a meal. while you wait, come up with something that will impress me, alright?"

when gideon comes back with the food, the (i'm sure fed up by now) angel smited (smote?) the meal and burned it all up before completely vanishing into thin air.

the bible sums up gideon's reaction better than i ever could: "then, gideon perceived that he was the angel of the lord." thank you, captain obvious.

did i mention i relate to this guy a lot?

gideon gets a lot better in the verses to come, and he actually gives me hope. he gathers an army of about 32,000 men and trusts the lord as he gets rid of all but 300 fighting men by the time they fight the midianites. one major sneak attack and four captured kings later, gideon has all the makings of a pretty epic biblical hero. and this has me feeling pretty good, because although i always kick and scream when the lord sends me somewhere scary, i start to believe in myself a little more as gideon mans up.

after he has conquered the midianites and freed the israelites and generally been a butt-kicking hero of the faith, israel is so gaga over gideon that they ask him to be their king. my love for him expanded exponentially when i read his response, and practically made me feel like a conqueror alongside him, "i will not rule over you; the lord will rule over you." kudos, gideon.

but then he did something a little weird that i didn't expect. instead of becoming king in return for his heroism, he makes an odd request of the people: he asks them for their earrings. they gladly oblige. upon receiving them, gideon does something i would have never expected. he melts all the gold from the jewelry down and makes himself a golden get-up (called an ephod), and the people end up worshiping it as an idol.

the result? "all israel whored after [the ephod], and it became a snare to gideon and his family."

wait, what? this is not the end of the story i've been told my whole life. we always stopped right after the defeat of the midianites. we politely skip over the whole "gideon-made-an-idol-with-the-gold-he-earned-from-following-the-lord" part, because it's messy. and it's heartbreaking, to be perfectly honest. and it just doesn't make sense.

if i were to be an editor of an edition of the bible, i think the title i would use for these few chapters would be "gideon: a cautionary tale." because that truly seems to be the case. we are told the story of an average, working class, underdog sort of guy who was used by the lord in huge, immeasurable ways and became a national hero for it. he had the world at his fingertips, and he screwed up, big time. and if he can make such a royal mess out of things, then i certainly can. and that's a little scary.

this is the kind of story that leads me to a real place of humility. after seeing myself in gideon throughout his journey through fear to courage, it really jarred me to see the story end this way. but it does. and that is significant. none of us are so holy or spiritually set that we are safe from the messiness of life. none of us are perfect. none of us are incapable of messing up, big time.

and because none of us have it together, we all must cling to jesus, realizing that he truly is our only hope. he is our only salvation. he alone holds the power to save us from ourselves.

& i'm preparing every part for you

2009-10-22T20:54:00.004-05:00

"so, sometimes i feel like god and i are in a bad relationship, and i'm definitely the bad girlfriend."

yes. in all of my obvious clear headed-ness, i legitimately made this comment to my best friend last week. she understands how i so often live in my head, so she simply humored me, looked over and asked, "why do you think that is?"

i had been in the sort of mood to examine some of my past relationships on this day. i thought a lot about what worked, what didn't work, the heartbreak that could have or couldn't have been avoided, the lessons learned in the end. i thought about my role in the life and death of all these, and whoever had been my significant other's role as well.

and there was one in particular that i couldn't stop thinking about. let me get this straight, i was by no means perfect in this relationship. by no means. sometimes i wonder if i caused more harm in this person's life than good, though i hope to god this is not the case.

but i couldn't stop thinking about the way in which i loved this particular boy. i loved him best when he was broken, flawed, and vulnerable. it drew me to him like nothing i had ever experienced. i wanted to love him and fix him, and i wanted my love for him to compel him to be the man i knew he was. and the more i loved, the more i hurt when my love didn't change things.

still makes me feel a little wistful to talk about it, to be honest. it doesn't take much for that heartache to touch the surface again.

anyway, during my nostalgic mental trip down memory lane, i had a small thump in my chest as i wondered why my love wasn't enough for him. and it felt a little something like this,

oh, wait. that sounds all too familiar.
this isn't just about an old flame, is it?

and it clicked.

how often is god's love just not enough for me? i kick and scream and run and refuse to change or grow. all the time, every time. but at the end of the day, his love for me is mind-numbingly relentless.

this, of course, led to this: i am a horrible girlfriend, and if i were god, i would get out of this unhealthy relationship immediately. i don't know if that is a spiritual enough way to put it, but it's at least honest.

but praise the lord that he hasn't dumped my sorry behind. and he won't. ever.

my high school boyfriend promised me at one point that he would never break up with me, and that we would spend forever together. but feelings faded, minds changed. we both moved on with our lives. and looking back, that seems like such a silly promise for him to have made.

but god makes this same promise to me, and in spite of myself, i believe him. i believe him with everything i've got.

fear not, for i have redeemed you.
i have summoned you by name; you are mine.

you pull your children up from the dust.

2009-10-22T01:44:00.003-05:00

honestly, my biggest fear isn't being alone, or being unhappy, or loss, or even something silly like spiders or snakes. my biggest fear, without question, is being boring.

maybe this is a misnomer or misclassification, but i don't think so. sometimes i think it's about people's perception of me (i want others to think i'm interesting), or maybe my perception of myself (i want to be someone i can be proud of), or maybe even god's perception of me (i want him to think i am making the most of the time i've been given). but at that end of the day, the thoughts that nag me throughout the day and keep me up at night normally have something to do with this very real fear of being boring.

i think this explains a lot of things about me.

1) have you ever noticed i'm always busy? i'm terrified to not be, honestly. i want to fill up my days with as much activity as possible so that i won't be bored or boring.
2) i love to tell stories. to write stories. somehow, i think that if i tell them, i give value to them (and maybe to myself? who knows).
3) i don't sit still very well. at all. ever.
4) i crave new things and new experiences like an addict.
5) i am one of the most commitment-phobic people in the world. in relationships, yes (ask just about anyone i've ever dated, i'm sure they'd agree), but in almost every other area of my life as well.
6) etc, etc, etc.

and honestly, sometimes i think i prefer the crazy, difficult times of life to the still, quiet ones. and that's a rough thing to admit. as i type it, i think i sound an awful lot like a drama queen. or maybe even a masochist. maybe that isn't so far from the truth.

and as i think about this, and pray about this, i'm honestly very torn.

it seems to be a good thing to be afraid of being complacent.
it seems to be a good thing to be afraid of being lazy.
it seems to be a good thing to be afraid of living without purpose.
it seems to be a good thing to be afraid of not seeking challenges.

but is it a good thing to be afraid of being boring?

in his providence, the lord has placed me at an interesting point in my life. things here are much more settled than they have been over the past month and a half. no funerals, no hospitals, no daily brushes with life and death. and for that, i am grateful. really.

but settled, for now, means without activity. and, as previously mentioned, i don't do so well with lack of activity.

and i completely relate to little david from david after dentist (who, by the way, i met this summer [see, i'm totally not boring, right? boring people don't meet internet superstars.]) i feel like i am in the backseat of my life's car, drunkenly asking an invisible father,

is this real life? is this gonna be forever?

and though i know the resounding answer is yes to the first and no to the second, it feels like the opposite. i (dramatically, i know) feel like the only unemployed, single, and completely (ok, somewhat [again with the drama]) aimless 22 year old recent college grad in the world searching for significance.

so i'm home at least until january, in the silence of my hometown. trying to figure out the next step. judging whether each day mattered or not, and feeling guilty and shaken and empty when many of them don't.

so do we make meaning out of the silence?
or do we fill the silence with something meaningful?

i guess that's a question i'll have to struggle with for a while.

rejoice and lament

2009-10-13T10:47:00.001-05:00

Wanda Kelley Jones was born February 22, 1935, to Straight and Mabel Kelley in Newton County. She graduated from Newton High School in 1953, having played in the band and been elected by the student body as Homecoming Queen and Class Favorite. After graduating, Wanda moved to Silsbee where she worked for the Texas Highway Department and Dr. Poshtaskie. While working for Dr. Poshtaskie, she met the love of her life, Richard Elton Jones. Upon seeing Wanda for the first time at the doctor’s office, Richard asked her for a date on the spot. After Richard graduated from Texas A&M University two years later, Richard and Wanda married in a small ceremony on July 22, 1955.

Within a few months of getting married, Richard and Wanda began their journey of life together by being stationed in Virginia and Tennessee with the United States Army. Soon, however, the pair traveled across the world and served in Germany, returning to the States in late 1957. A month after returning home, Wanda gave birth to their son, Robert Martin Jones, on December 23, 1957. The Jones family began managing the family business, Buck Jones Lumber Company, and several years later on December 30, 1960, they welcomed a daughter into the world, Lou Anne Jones Parish.

While Wanda worked at the family business in the years to follow, most of her time was spent as a devoted and loving mother and wife. She was an active member of First Baptist Church, Silsbee, where she often taught Sunday School and Bible School classes. However, in the following years Buck Jones Lumber Company transitioned into Jones Decorating Center, and Wanda was able to practice her talent of home decorating as she took a more active role in the family business.

Wanda welcomed her first grandchild, Robert Justin Jones, in 1980, followed by her two granddaughters Elizabeth Anne and Caroline Amanda Sweatt in the years to come. Known to them as “Memee,” Wanda rarely missed a sporting event, awards ceremony, or musical program, devoting her time to her three beloved grandchildren. One of her favorite things to do, with Richard leading the way, was to gather the whole family together on a trip to Louisiana or Mississippi to tour plantations or other historical sites.

In recent years, Wanda’s health declined, but her love and devotion for her family did not. She still enjoyed spending time with her friends and family. After battling a brief but serious illness, Wanda passed away on October 10, 2009 at Harbor Hospice in Beaumont. She will be greatly missed by her family, friends, church, and community.

Wanda was preceded in death by her parents, Straight and Mabel Kelley, brother Harold Kelley, sisters Vera Mae Brennaman and Berniece Henson, and her beloved son Robert Martin Jones. She is survived by her husband Richard Jones, daughter Lou Anne Parish and her husband Robert, of Silsbee, grandson Justin Jones and wife Kristen, of Beaumont, granddaughter Elizabeth Sweatt and fiancé James Parsley, of Beaumont, granddaughter Caroline Sweatt, of Silsbee, step-grandson Rocky Parish, of Laurence, Kansas, step-grandson Scott Parish and wife Whitnie, and great-granddaughter Audrey, of Groves, sister Bobbie Smith and husband Drannon, of Newton, brother Odell Kelley and wife Barbara, of Katy, sister Shirley Choate and husband Butch, of Mineola, and numerous nieces and nephews.

rock of ages, cleft for me

2009-09-28T17:57:00.007-05:00

i had a dream that i was alone on top of a cliff.

i sat near the edge of the cliff, looking out over the landscape. and i was upset.

i started crying and kept crying.

i was so frustrated that i just started screaming at the top of my lungs off the edge of the cliff.

and all of a sudden jesus shows up to my right. curly brown hair, white robe and all.

with tears in my eyes i glanced over at him. and he looked forward over the edge of the cliff, and he started screaming too.

so there i was, screaming at the world with jesus on the edge of a cliff.

it was a really good dream.

your kingdom come, your will be done.

2009-09-22T23:58:00.004-05:00

so, tomorrow morning at 7am i am speaking at my old high school's see you at the pole. it's a little bit daunting to be going back to high school and sharing the message of christ--i am constantly aware of how completely unworthy i am to be the bearer of his story. so, i am going to write my way through this before tomorrow.

i met a kid this summer at our daytona event. i was working the compassion table during worship, and i saw a twelve- or thirteen-year-old boy wandering the lobby of the convention center in a daze. after pacing back and forth around the hall, he eventually stopped at my table.

"do you know where a vending machine is?" he asked, obviously a bit disoriented.
"well, no. we don't really allow food or drink in the worship room, but feel free to use the water fountains if you are thirsty."

he paused, and continued, "i was down at the front of the room right in front of the stage during worship, and all of a sudden i felt the lord telling me to lay facedown on the ground and just pray as hard as i could. so i did. and i prayed and prayed and prayed, and i knew that if i looked up then i would be blinded by the light of god, so i wouldn't look up. and i kept praying and praying. i felt like i couldn't get up at all. then, after a really long time of praying, i felt god's hand touch my back and tell me that it was okay to look up and stop praying. so i did. and now, i need a vending machine."

i blinked at him, puzzled, before answering again, "well, we don't really have a vending machine, but we do have water fountains."

i don't want to judge this guy too harshly, but i do think that far too often we are like him in our approach to christ. we have these big, life defining, dramatic spiritual moments where we lay it all down for jesus and decide to take up our cross and follow him or give up television and the internet and any movie that doesn't involve kirk cameron or move to africa and reach an unreached people group singlehandedly. and then we go home, and our spiritual buzz fades, and we want to know where the nearest vending machine is.

and we completely miss the point.

in the first chapter of isaiah, the lord addresses his wayward people, saying,

what to me is the multitude of your sacrifice?, says the lord.
i have had enough of burnt offerings of rams and the fat of well fed beasts.
i do not delight in the blood of bulls, or of lambs, or of goats.
bring no more vain offerings; incense in an abomination to me.
new moon and sabbath and the calling of convocations--
i cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly.
your new moon and your appointed feasts my soul hates.
they have become a burden to me; i am weary of bearing them.
when you spread out your hands i will hide my eyes from you.
even though you make many prayers, i will not listen.
your hands are full of blood.

harsh words, right? this passage became pretty convicting for me this summer as one of our worship leaders put it something like this,

i hate your summer camps. your youth revivals. your "spiritual highs." what are they to me?

ouch.

the lord continues, however, offering the remedy for these shallow spiritual experiences:

wash yourselves, make yourselves clean;
remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes.
cease to do evil.
learn to do good.
seek justice.
correct oppression.
bring justice to the fatherless.
plead the widow's cause.

isn't that insanely beautiful?

the truth of the matter is simply this: true christianity is not lived out in the epic mountain-top experiences of summer camp or see you at the pole or an annual youth revival or disciple now. it isn't even lived out every sunday morning and wednesday night. following christ is a day to day journey, a continual acting out of one's belief. it is, as james would later tell us, caring for orphans and widows in their time of need and keeping ourselves unstained from the world. christ is worth more than our words or even our best worship services. he is worth our entire lives.

so, as a heart check, may i pose this question: do the people around you get a better picture of who christ is because of your life?

do they see that you strive to live a life that is pure?
can they tell that you are daily learning to do good?
is it obvious that you are seeking justice for the oppressed both near and far?
are you caring for the orphan and the widow?

if not, then the first passage probably should have made you shudder.

as christ followers, we must be a people who act out the gospel in every aspect of our lives, whether at school or at work or even at an amusement park or movie theater. christ's sacrifice on the cross should permanently stain our hearts and change everything about us. in short, it should move us to action. it should move us to compassion. it should move us away from apathy and toward sacrificial service to others. god's radical, crazy love for us should really mess with our heads and transform our lives. if it doesn't, then we may not really understand the core message of the gospel.

when jesus showed up on the scene two thousand years ago, he just couldn't seem to stop talking about this thing he called "the kingdom of heaven." over and over, he would try to explain this kingdom through all sorts of different parables and stories and analogies. in fact, his first words as he began his ministry were about the kingdom, "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

and although the depth of discussion we could have about the kingdom could fill an ocean or two, i think part of what jesus is getting at is something like this: being a follower of christ quite literally means that you aren't like everyone else. you are no longer just an average person who wears a name tag or a t-shirt that says you are a christian. rather, you are a citizen of a different nation. you are fundamentally set apart. you are different. at your very core you are unlike the rest of the world.

i hope this idea really messes with you. i hope it messes with you when you have a moment of realization that you look a whole lot like everyone else. i know that messes with me a lot.

as people of the kingdom, we are sent out as ambassadors in a land that is not our home. we are commissioned to engage our schools, communities, and countries with the bigger-than-life love of christ. we are a people with a mission, a purpose for each second of every day. we are to act out the gospel with our lives so that people will recognize the king of our kingdom through our actions.

scripture tells us that as jesus went around to different cities and people preaching the kingdom, he acted out the compassion he felt by healing their diseases and caring for their afflictions. he then gave this challenge to those who followed him,

the harvest is plentiful,but the laborers are few. therefore pray earnestly to the lord of the harvest to send out laborers into the harvest.

then, scripture tells us, jesus gave his disciples the authority and ability to do just as he had done. he empowered them to be able to heal the diseases and afflictions of the people of this world. and he sent them out to do just that.

today, our king is sending us out to do just this. let us pray to the lord of the harvest to send laborers into the harvest. let us realize that we are those laborers and we are equipped to follow in christ's footsteps as people of the kingdom of heaven. let us not be those who will encounter god and walk away unchanged, looking for the nearest vending machine.

let us live as people of the kingdom.
let us engage this lost and dying world with the hope of christ.

in my life be lifted high.

2009-08-06T23:47:00.006-05:00

it is absolutely irresponsible for me to be up writing right now. i should be going to sleep to prepare for tomorrow.

but i've spent so much time in my head lately, thinking about the different stories i've collected from this summer of ministry. the reality of life colliding with the beauty of redemption on a daily basis. i have so many things to share, i don't even know where to begin.

so i guess i'll start with brokenness.

i'm an observer to the core. i sit silently more often than not during the summers and just watch people. students having a camp experience are so incredibly interesting. almost predictable at times. and for someone like me who has attended six camps and staffed 24, it is so incredibly easy to become cynical. you cease to be surprised when you see a student raise their hands in worship and then relentlessly tease someone on the rec field that next day. it just becomes par for the course.

so, whenever i saw a brawny, faux-hawked, too-cool-for-school football player 16-year old boy, i quickly placed him in a nice, neat box. he would have a poor attitude. he would think he is too cool. he would not be affected this week. easy call.

i was not surprised when our speaker, sam, asked him to read a passage of scripture from philippians, and he casually read it as if it were no big deal.

then sam asked him to read it again, with more passion and volume.
and again,
and again,
and again,

he read.

for it has been granted to you on behalf of christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him.

as he repeated these words over and over, you could almost visibly see the message sinking in. these words were becoming so much more than type on a page. they were life to him.

he began to sob as he read each word.

for it has been granted to you on behalf of christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him.

this tough 16-year old realized, in front of a crowd of about 500, that his life meant nothing apart from christ. and that to follow christ meant to suffer on his behalf. and that suffering on his behalf was granted to us--oddly enough, it is a privilege. suffering just means that you are doing something right in christ's kingdom.

i realized a few things in this beautiful moment:
i'm a jerk.
suffering is a privilege.
scripture is unbelievably powerful in and of itself.
god moves.
god moves more than i could ever imagine.

i hope that at some point in your life, the lord allows you to witness something like this. it is so humbling and exciting to see students get it; to latch on to the gospel.

it is good news to us.

even in suffering, it is good news to us.

hope is rising.

2009-07-30T14:59:00.005-05:00

if i were perfectly honest with you, i would tell you that far too often i just don't get the cross. i know that it is a big deal, i know that it changes everything about me, i know that it colors every aspect of my world, i know that it is quite literally life to me.

but in the moments of my life when i hear about it or read about it, jesus's sacrifice doesn't always register with me.

recently, though, the cross has begun to sneak onto my radar as i hear the stories of students here at camp. daily, i hear stories of brokenness and addiction and divorce and sin and grief and regret. students find out at camp that when they go home, a parent will have moved out. students will tell someone of childhood abuse for the first time in their lives. students will speak out about addiction, lust, pride, fear. students will admit their suicidal thoughts and depressive tendencies.

and in the middle of all this, where is hope? what do you say to a fifteen year old girl who is struggling with guilt and shame because she was raped or a sixteen year old guy who is sinking under the weight of his pornography addiction?

we had a speaker a few weeks ago named sam bhatt. he's a friend, and one of the most gifted speakers i have worked with. he has a penchant for the creative object lesson, and he did not disappoint. one night, he set out two wooden crosses at the front of our worship center and told the graphic, bloody story of jesus's sacrifice for us. he then invited the students to consider what it was that jesus actually did for us that day. christ's death accomplished something (and accomplishes something everyday). what was it that jesus bore for you on the cross? what things in your life do you need to nail onto that cross with jesus?

a flood of about 600 students waited in line to write down on an index card specifically what they were struggling with or what they wanted to lay at the feet of the cross. then, they took their card, folded it, nailed it to the cross, and left it there as they walked away.

the funny thing about being on camp staff is that when everyone else goes home to consider their week, you stay behind and start all over again.

we have the same speaker next week, and we've heard that he will be using the same beautiful illustration with this group of students. we now have a crazy task ahead of us: removing all the nails and index cards from the crosses to make space for new ones to come. it has been an incredibly tedious, invasive, and humbling task. one by one we pull off these sacrificial offerings and reveal what has been given.

most say something like "everything" or "my life." others list general things, "pride," "selfishness." others simply say "thank you, jesus" or "i love you."

but then, there was an occassional index card that would make you pause.

"fear of failure and what the world will think"
"self image"
"my anger and my addiction"
"my fears are too big for me to handle"
"the fact that i was adopted and that you would let my grandfather have alzheimer's and cancer"

and then there were still others that make you stop completely.

"cutting"
"being raped by a guy who i thought was my friend"
"dear god, i am so sorry for what i've done. please don't let me drown here. save me from this."

and the one that i will carry in my wallet from here on out.

"i am a coward."

i ask myself again, where is hope?

and as i removed these notes one by one, i realized what i was missing: the cross they were literally nailed too. even though i didn't see it, each one of these students did. they caught a vision for they hope of nations and their own lives as they ran to the feet of the cross and laid down the most unreachable parts of their hearts.

the cross is good news to us.

it is hope for the broken, the addicted, the afraid, the lonely and forgotten. it is an invitation, "come, those who are thirsty. come to the waters." it is rescue for our souls and life to our hearts. it is the answer to every question--especially the hard ones. jesus's sacrifice on the cross accomplished something in our lives.

i got a call from one of our mission camp community partners yesterday. he hosted a group of our campers at the nursing home he works at this past week. he told me that because of the time our students spent with his residents, one of the older men who had been on suicide watch for sometime was taken off of it. the students literally carried the hope of the cross with them to the community of chattanooga, and it flowed from them so evidently that this man decided that life was still worth living.

do you see it? the cross brings hope to a lost, dying, and broken world.

and that, quite literally, changes everything.

if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

2009-04-23T10:34:00.005-05:00

so much of my summer was wrapped up in learning to live with and use for god's glory the emptiness that lauren lewis left in my heart on march 3, 2008. i fought to keep this great grief from completely defining me, but so often i felt as if that was all that i could hold in my hands.

i spent so much of my summer trying to reconcile the goodness of god with the pain of my loss. i actively worked to try to create beauty from this situation by telling her story from week to week with a new group of students. god used her beautiful life to reach over a thousand students throughout the course of the summer--and for that, i am forever grateful and humbled.

i can divide my summer perfectly in half in terms of how i grieved, though. in a moment's notice, my view of god and grace and purpose changed entirely, permanently.

on the night of the exact midpoint of our summer, i walked into my campus apartment to see the two female leaders i had grown to love and admire sitting in silence on the floor of our living room, holding hands and obviously shaken up. my eyes automatically hit the carpet and i hurried into my room without a word. i couldn't shake the image of their obvious pain from my mind, so i sat alert on my bed without a better plan. about five minutes minutes of silence passed before franks, one of my leaders, opened the door to my room and asked me to come pray with them.

as i sat crossed-legged on the floor and grabbed the hands of my two favorite girls, franks explained to me what had happened. one of her good friends had been in a severe car accident and had been rushed to the hospital with an uncertain prognosis. having been taken into surgery for a risky but potentially life-saving procedure, all that we could do was stare at a phone and pray.

i gripped her hand and prayed and prayed and prayed. but this moment was too real. i couldn't relive this day. i couldn't emotionally handle waiting by the phone for that fateful phone call that would change everything. i panicked internally with the weight of this very real experience. time slowed down enough for me to be able to breathe. i held it together for the sake of my friend who was in desperate need.

my life was stuck on an infinite, inescapable loop.

the phone rang harshly against the hard floor. our eyes instinctively widened. franks' hand shot forward to answer the call we had been waiting for.

her friend had made it through surgery, she was going to be fine.

i froze as i took in this news; this answered prayer. it was too much.

i made no move until the two girls grabbed me and embraced me. i lost it completely. i felt like i was drowning in the ocean of my great, ever-present grief. i was only remotely aware of the my two friends presence. life moved forward in slow motion and i felt acutely dissociated from my own skin.

but then, a nearly audible thought entered my mind that made more sense than anything else.

the same grace that saved the life of her friend took the life of mine.

how do you accept a harsh reality like that? how do you accept that even the most painful experiences are the result of christ's enduring love for his children? how was i ever supposed to make sense of the fact that lauren's death was still an act of god's love for her (and for me)? how could i accept this and not sound like i was just giving up or calling god a huge cosmic jerk?

i'm learning that god's love doesn't exactly fit into the box i had made for it. it's so much bigger, all-encompassing, real, and complicated than i could have ever imagined. through his love, god used the most painful experience to make the biggest, most lasting mark on my life. i came to know him more through several months of grief than i had in years and years of joy. his love moves me and changes me like a hurricane impacts the shore.

and i am never the same.

i thought about you the day that she died
and you met me between my breaking.
i know that i still love you god,
despite the agony.
and people, they want to tell me you're cruel
but if she could sing, she'd say it's not true
because you're good.

and you love us.

son of david, don't pass me by.

2009-04-12T17:56:00.007-05:00

something i don't often talk about is the period of time in high school when i struggled with an eating disorder. for most of my fifteenth year, i didn't really eat. and that's kind of an odd thing to admit to people still to this day, six years later. so, i don't really bring it up.

and as i sit here and try to find an explanation for exactly why i struggled with anorexia (a term i use even less out of embarrassment), i don't really know how to make sense of it. maybe there isn't one reason, but several that hit me at just the right time. i was incredibly image conscious, i was dealing with the pressure of my first serious relationship, i wanted people to see me as perfect in all aspects of my life, i wanted something that i could completely control in my out-of-control life. i wanted to seem like i had it all together. i wanted a lot of things, and i sought them by not eating.

much more important than how i got to this point, however, is how i was literally delivered from it. it makes even less sense, but it's a story i need to tell. i've come to realize that it is my own personal miracle, as weird and crazy as that sounds.

after months of not eating and pounds and pounds of weight lost, i attended church camp with my youth group in glorietta, new mexico. i considered myself a leader in my youth group, and i don't think i went to camp expecting for the lord to do a work in my life; i distinctly remember having a list of friends who i wanted to encounter the lord over the next five days. i was in pretty big denial about the blatant issue (at it's very core, the blatant sin) in my own life.

night three of camp came, and my youth group met after the evening service to process the events of the day. this wasn't night four--we hadn't planned an emotional rediscovering of ourselves that we could take home with us on the bus the next day. we talked about the day's bible study and what the preacher had discussed that night at worship. all in all, it was pretty typical.

as we were finishing up, an older friend of mine and leader in our group asked to speak.

"i heard somewhere that at some university a revival broke out on campus when one person publicly came forward and confessed the sin that was in his life. i really, truly desire for revival to break out among us, so i just wanted to be open with you guys. i have been sleeping with my girlfriend for a few months now, and i know that it's sin. i want to ask forgiveness not only from god, but from you guys, too."

my first reaction was very typically caroline. i opened my bible and found a passage in scripture that talked about god's forgiveness of our sins, and how he remembers them no more. i was completely unaffected personally. i focused all of my attention on my friend's sin and completely missed the point.

an odd thing happened, however. the floodgates opened. a ripple effect occurred. students began to confess their secret sins, the things that they were most ashamed of--the things that they had wanted to hide from everyone, things that were shocking and painful and ripping them apart from the inside out.

this went on for what seemed like hours. almost every person in the room had something to claim as sin and openly confess. suddenly, i began to feel the lord like a freight train in my heart. the thing that i was most trying to hide had to be brought to the light by whatever means necessary. my eating disorder was sin, plain and simple, that had gotten hold of me and become an addiction. it reflected my lack of trust in god's plan for my life and disrespect for his creation. i was desecrating the temple that he had made sacred through his son's death on the cross. i was living a lie. i was like the pharisee's of christ's time--a white washed tomb. i acknowledged christ's kingship with my mouth and denied him with my actions.

i don't know if people were surprised when i raised my hand to speak. i confessed my secret life to my youth group that night, and asked for their forgiveness and that they would hold me accountable from here on out.

everything within me screamed to take back what i had said. i could no longer skip meals and claim that i was studying my bible. i could no longer fake eating my meal by moving it around on my plate. i could no longer tell my friends that i had just eaten a huge meal earlier in the day. i was exposed and naked and terrified of what was to come.

the other day, i had a conversation with a friend of mine who struggled with an eating disorder at about the same time i did. as i revealed to her my story, she asked me, "did you have to go to rehab to finally conquer your eating disorder?"

in that moment i put together the pieces of the rest of my story.

the morning after our time of confession, i woke up and ate breakfast. later that day i ate lunch and then, a few hours later, enjoyed dinner. i repeated this ritual the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. i soon returned to a healthy weight, lost any signs of anemia, and stopped randomly passing out for no apparent reason. from the moment of my confession, it was as if my eating disorder had completely disappeared.

i didn't realize until recently that this isn't how most girls deal with their eating issues. i didn't realize that for most girls dealing with similar problems, the only answer is rehab or serious medical help. i didn't realize that for many girls, conquering an eating disorder takes time--sometimes years.

i didn't realize until recently that my experience that night was nothing short of miraculous.

i don't know why, but all signs point to a miracle.

the only plausible explanation is that i was supernaturally delivered from this disease that had literally taken over my life. for some reason, god used night three of camp to pull me out of this pit. and it isn't logical, and it doesn't make sense, but this is how it happened.

and i am forever grateful. and that's all i really know to say.

"happiness only real when shared"

2009-04-03T12:27:00.004-06:00

"a happiness that is sought for ourselves alone can never be found; for a happiness that is diminished by being shared is not big enough to make us happy."

in addition to being head over heels for the jewish talmudic writers, i also have another quirky religious obsession: monks. i fell in love with monasticism the summer after my sophomore year in college; i spent half of each day sitting behind a desk at city hall with a book. i read st. francis of assisi, tales of the desert fathers, and most significantly, a modern monk named thomas merton. he has since then become the most influential christian thinker in my life.

i've read several books of his since then, and each time my mind has been absolutely blown. i highly, highly recommend picking up one of his shorter contemplations--"thoughts in solitude" comes to mind--and working your way through it (slowly, take it all in).

i'm currently working my way through "no man is an island" for the tenth time. i have never been able to get past the first chapter. everytime i try, i just put it down in order to process what i've just read. yes, he's that good.

the first chapter is a lot about love and humility.

i've been in a lot of ministry and leadership positions before, and one of the most difficult things can sometimes be learning to let others love and serve me. i feel so incredibly weak letting others help me--i want to figure everything out on my own and fix everything on my own and save the day...on my own. for some reason i think that i am holier if i don't require anyone else's support. i worry that if i reach out to others, my apparent flaws will disqualify me from the work i want to do in jesus' name.

for merton, however, this attitude is at its very core unloving.

"selfless love consents to be loved selflessly for the sake of the beloved. in doing so, it perfects itself. the gift of love is the gift of the power and capacity to love, and, therefore, to give love with full effect is also to receive it. so, love can only be kept by giving it away, and it can only be given perfectly when it is also received."

i guess what i'm learning is that when love is it's most powerful, it is a two way street. and this is something i really need to remember when working with youth, or in ministry, or with my maggies service committee, or with my missions team at camp, or with whomever i meet. if i really want to love others, i've got to let them love me.

because love empowers.
and love begets more love.
and more love.
and love.
and love again.

and the most loving thing i can possibly do is to show others how to love, and them to let them love freely (without me telling them i don't need their love).

so love, and be loved.

greater things are still to be done.

2009-04-01T11:25:00.007-06:00

so, it's about that time again. today, i found out where i will be serving with student life this summer, as well as with whom i will be serving. god is so faithful, and every concern i had about my team has been met in his goodness. notably, one of my best friends of my life will be serving alongside me this summer. praise the lord for the grace he gives!

here is my summer schedule. it is drastically different from last summer's cross country road trip extravaganza, but i'm so looking forward to really becoming familiar with the area. also of note--covenant college sits on top of a mountain overlooking chatanooga, one of my favorite locations in the country. god is so good.

covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --may 30-june 3
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --june 3-7
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --june 8-12
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --june 12-16
gatlinburg conference center, gatlinburg, tn --june 19-23
lee university, cleveland, tn --june 27-july 1
georgia baptist conference center, toccoa, ga --july 3-6
georgia baptist conference center, toccoa, ga --july 6-10
daytona beach, fl --july 13-17
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --july 20-24
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --july 25-29
covenant college, lookout mountain, ga --july 29-august 2
tuscarora conference center, mt. bethel, pa --august 4-8

"commit your way to the lord. trust in him, and he will act." psalm 37:5

my unbelief.

2009-03-23T21:18:00.006-06:00

have you ever had a moment in your life that feels so real and powerful, but when you weigh it against all logic and good sense you can't decide whether to discard it altogether or completely change your life?

i had one of those moments about a month ago. in the middle of my desert, the god who knows me sent me to a funny place to experience something a little ridiculous that defies all reason. the skeptic in me arches an inner-eyebrow every time i remember it. but the believer at the core of my self can't get it out of her mind.

i spent my valentine's day in a low income housing project for people who had recently come out of homelessness making cards and cinnamon rolls for the residents. we decorated a room in the complex with red and pink streamers and brought enough breakfast for twenty plus. as the residents slowly came and joined us, we each paired off with one person and tried to show these people the love we believe they deserve.

one man in particular arrived in a motorized wheelchair. the coordinator of the project smiled and nodded knowingly, marking his arrival (or distinction--i'm not quite sure). he was very nicely dressed, though his clothing appeared well-worn. he wore a peculiar white new jersey style hat that made him stand out from the rest.

two of the girls i came with approached him and began to welcome him to our party. as he opened his grinning mouth to speak, i could hear from across the room a pronounced speech impediment causing his words to sound indistinct and mushy. this did not seem to deter him, however. he gladly accepted their company and chatted willingly.

a few minutes pass, and i begin to notice a small crowd of our volunteers gathering around his chair. he smiles and looks at each of them individually, as if telling them something intensely personal about their lives. to be perfectly honest, i am very much annoyed at this. other guests have been abandoned in order to speak to this one man, and i am doing double duty with our guests.

though i am across the room, i suddenly feel an intense gaze upon me. i glance up; i see the man in the dapper hat and motorized chair staring at me intently, wordlessly. my eyes lock with his for a brief moment, and a look that is something like fear or surprise or disgust or discomfort crosses my face. he lifts a single finger and points at me for what feels like an eternity.

i am seriously weirded out.

he turns to one of the girls near him, finger still raised in my direction, and tells her something that i cannot make out from my vantage point. he looks at me one more time, finger shaking feverishly in the air in my direction.

do you know what he told her as he locked his eyes to mine?

"tell her that god has set her apart. tell her that she has the gift of teaching, and that god has chosen her to teach his word for his glory. tell her these things."

what do you even do with something like that? what are you supposed to make of something so mind-numbingly absurd?

how did he know that at the very core of my being, i've known for quite some time that above all else, i am called to teach the word? how did he know that i have always felt closest to god when studying the bible in order to teach it to others? how did he know that my deepest desire is to use that gift in order to help others know christ in a more real, relevant way?

this is why i write. this is why i read. this is why i lead small group after small group and get giddy after any time i get to talk about scripture (in the nerdiest way possible.)

how did he know?

i'm a skeptic through and through. i need proof. i need logic. i need reason. if anyone else were to tell me this story, i would roll my eyes or smile and nod condescendingly.

but, really, how did he know?

lord, i believe. help my unbelief.

the rest is commentary.

2009-03-09T22:19:00.006-06:00

i'm just going to be up front with you. i have an very intense interest in--sometimes bordering on moderate obsession with--judaism.

my sophomore year, i signed up for a course called "the bible as literature," only to walk in to class on the first day to discover my professor wearing a yamulke. learning the old testament (or, as he would heatedly say, the hebrew scriptures) from a practicing orthodox jew was one of the most eye opening experiences of my college career, and i think that i really learned more about the bible from this course than from most every sunday school class i had ever been a part of. it was so interesting, and on some level important, to see how other cultures attach different meaning to texts that i have studied my whole life. now, i crave jewish perspective at almost every point of debate.

this semester, i am in a class that is simply called "jewish literature," and it is right up my alley. we started with the tanakh (another word for what we know as the old testament) and have moved into the talmudic writings.

and do you ever just have one of those moments when you study something, or read something, or discover something, and you just feel like you were meant to know whatever it is you now know? i have those sort of moments all the time while reading the talmud. gleaning from the wisdom of these rabbis is humbling and exciting and awe-inspiring. it feels like the surprise that comes when you visit a nursing home with much anxiety only to discover the life-changing wisdom of an elderly man or woman there.

so, i'd like to share and retell some of my favorite passages. because they are beautiful, and true.

the earth is the lord's. said hanina b. papa: whoever enjoys anything in this world without offering a benediction, it is as though he has robbed the holy one, praised be he, and the community of israel [since the community is diminished through the sin of it's constituent individuals].

may it be your will, o lord our god, that we sin not.

[rabbis hamnuna & alexandre are said to have prayed]: sovereign of all worlds, it is revealed and known to you that we would like to act according to your will, but what prevents us? negative passions, and the oppression of worldly powers. may it be your will to save us from the grip of their power.

[may i never] pronounce what is unclean to be clean, or what is clean, unclean.

the school of yannai said: when is person wakes from sleep he should say: be praised, o lord, who revives the dead.

do not cause us to be dependent on the gifts of mortals, and may our livelihood not depend on creatures of flesh and blood...may our portion be in the study of your torah.

a favorite saying often repeated by rava was: the goal of wisdom is penitence and good deeds, so that a person should not study bible and talmud and then be disrespectful to his father and mother.

praised be he who is patient with those who act against his will.

mishnah 9:5 says, "a person is obligated to praise god for evil as well as for good. thus it is writte, 'and you shall love the lord your god with all your heart, and all your soul, and all your might.' with all your heart refers to both impulses, the good and the evil one; with all your soul means even if he takes your soul [your life]; with all your might means with all your possessions. another explanation for with all your might: no matter what treatment he [measures] out to you."

the rabbis tell a story of a fox who swims into a river and notices all the fish fleeing from nets purposed to catch them. the fox, seeing their dilemma, says to them, "fish, come join me on the land. the nets can not catch you there!" the fish reject his counsel, saying, "you are not clever--you are a fool! though our natural habitat is dangerous, to be out of the water onto the land is death." thus, it is the same for those who continue to study the torah even when they experience persectution and their lives are threatened--for though continuing to study the torah is dangerous, to not study the torah is death.

said rabbi tanhum:...if a person who recites the shema each morning and evening should not recite it one evening, it will seem to him as though he never recited it.

[rabbi hillel said], "if i am not for myself, then who will be? and if i am only for myself, then who am i? if not now, when?"

the rabbis tell the story of a man who was intent on angering hillel, a jewish elder known for his patience. the man approaches hillel with a question, and asks hillel to teach him the entire torah while he stands on one foot. hillel responds, "that which is hateful to you, do not do to others. the rest is commentary; go now and study."

let that be enough.

2009-03-04T01:02:00.007-06:00

i wish i had what i needed
to be on my own
'cause i feel so defeated;
and i'm feeling alone

yeah, who am i? just a kid who knows he's needy.

i've been thinking a lot about grace lately.

maybe that statement isn't entirely true--if i were to be perfectly transparent with you (and one of my greatest hopes is that i can always be transparent), i would tell you that i've been avoiding thinking about god at all lately. as i explained it to one of my best friends the other day, god and i haven't exactly been on the best of terms.

that's pretty darn humbling to admit, much less out loud. let me tell you.

it's incredibly humbling to go from a place where you feel like you've conquered ridiculous mountains in jesus' name and proved victorious in the hardest of situations to just feeling like a defeated little girl whose desires are way out of whack.

which leads me back to today, and back to grace (because, in the end, i guess everything leads back to grace).

one year ago today, lauren lewis passed away in a car accident. today has been a significant, different day. one that i never could have prepared for, no matter how much i analyzed it or thought about it or worried about it or planned for it or even panicked about it. overall, it was a pretty quiet day. a beautiful, quiet day.

for months, i grieved beautifully. i was desparate and clinging to the feet of jesus. the pain and suffering of losing her only magnified my view of who god is, what jesus' sacrifice meant in my life, and the authentic impact love can make. subconciously or secretly, i considered myself an expert on authentic christian grief.

and then, a new season of grief entered with the winter cold, and i didn't know what to do with it or myself. i was just so tired. i was tired of fighting. i was tired of being broken. i was tired of being desperate. i was tired of always handling things well. i was and am tired. very, very tired.

so, i checked out.

and i have learned a lot through this.

i have truly learned that i am a broken, screwed up human being who has nothing to offer apart from christ. and i'm not just saying that marginally, or because it is what we as christians have learned to say. i really, really mean it--authentically, transparently, and in a lot of ways, it's a ridiculously embarrassing statement to make.

but, oddly enough, i have learned something that is even bigger and weirder than that. i have seen god following after me in really strange ways. giving me scripture and music that meets me where i am, whether or not i accept it. giving me friendships that i in no way deserve (trust me). even giving me back memories of lauren that i had thought i had lost and walking with me even when i didn't (and don't) realize it.

and i just look at my life, and ask myself, is this what grace looks like?

because this grace is scandalous, and it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and it fails at every cost-benefit analysis it could ever be subjected to. it's a silly, foolish concept.

but it remains, like the oceans or humidity in southeast texas or my mom's desire to know exactly what is going on in my life. it sticks around and is at times annoying in its persistence.

and though i try to tune it out, it says something to me like

i love you
i'm not leaving you
i'm not disappointed in you
i'm here to help
even if you don't trust me anymore
even if you don't have faith in me anymore
i still have faith in you
and so i'll stay here
and keep loving you
even if you don't love me back
i'll wait

and this is definitely not the message i would expect to hear. i don't really know what to make of this sort of message; this sort of grace.

and i wish i could end this contemplation with all of the ends tied up, but that is very rarely how i experience my life. i'm not neat and i'm not tidy. i'm so far from perfect it's profoundly embarrassing.

but grace accepts me anyway? that's just bizarre.

let me know that you're near me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me.
let that be enough.

we give from your hand

2008-12-20T01:20:00.003-06:00

i have been stuck on one verse this semester.

the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field that a man found and covered up. then, in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

it's one of those verses that i've heard so many times, but i'm afraid has been dumbed down by our american version of christianity. when i first revisited this verse, my jaw dropped and everything within me stood still as i realized the real, high call given. maybe this doesn't mean that we should really like or enjoy our faith, but that there is not one thing that we could ever possess that could possibly be worth as much as the kingdom.

and i'm left with this very real, very mind-blowing question. what if jesus meant what he said?

what would change if i really and truly believed jesus and took him at his word?

open up the doors; let the music play

2008-10-14T20:33:00.000-05:00

a few sundays ago i joined a friend at her church community for the early service in austin. one of my favorite worship bands was leading worship unexpectedly, so i started in high spirits. the community is going through a time of vision for the city of austin. i was absolutely riveted as we started our worship time by talking about the gravity of really seeking to further the kingdom of the lord here on the earth. and it just hit me in exactly the right place, you know? we began to sing to the lord, beseeching him for wisdom and sight and compassion, begging him to right the wrongs in the world, bring justice where there is none, to release the prisoner, to end poverty and free those captured in its sway.

my heart came alive in these songs, these words proclaiming the lord's character and love and what should be my response to it my response to it. a knot grew in my throat as i realized how often i completely miss it, and the fact that i am continually broken over the fact that my life does not look like one that has been completely wrecked by the overwhelming, extravagant, messy love of god.

the pastor came and spoke and furthered our meditation on what it really means to be people of the kingdom of the god of the angel-armies in this broken world. our text was the parable of the good samaritan. and to be perfectly honest, i initially felt like i could have given this sermon for him. i know this parable like the back of my hand. i know all the hidden contextual meaning from the greek. i've learned how the deeply entrenched racism against samaritans in this jewish society gives this story a entirely new depth and dimension of meaning. i've highlighted the word "compassion" in my bible and meditated on the real life sacrifices that the samaritan would have had to make to save the jewish man on the road. i feel like i could give a really thorough exegetical account of this text, and so i began to tune out.

as the speaker spoke though, i began to notice his teaching the priest and the levite. as the story goes, and unnamed jewish man is attacked by robbers on a dangerous road from jerusalem to jericho and left half dead.

a priest walks by. upon seeing him, he passes on the other side.
a religious leader walks by. upon seeing him, he passes on the other side.

the man is left to die by those whose role it is to save.

i've always judged that priest and religious leader so much. i guess i just want to differentiate myself from them. but i began to think about the scenario. they are walking on one of the most dangerous roads in the world at the time, and they see a man who has been robbed, beaten, and left for dead. what if the robbers were just ahead, laying in wait for their next victim? scripture doesn't tell us what went through the priest and religious leader's minds as they walked by.

maybe they ran out of fear for their own safety.
maybe they couldn't dirty themselves, make themselves ceremonially unclean.
maybe they prayed for the dying man as they passed by and thought that was enough.

no one in their society would blame them. and if we were perfectly honest with ourselves, we probably wouldn't blame them either.

but then the hero of the story shows up, the famous good samaritan. scripture says that when he saw the man dying on the side of the road, he had compassion for him, and that compassion led him to act on the man's behalf. he bound up his wounds and took him to an inn to heal.

this word, compassion, is one of the most captivating words in this parable. often we misinterpret this as just an easy emotion of pity. but this cannot be the case.

a notable use of this word, compassion, comes in another familiar parable, that of the prodigal son. the prodigal son has taken his share of his inheritance before his father has even died and wasted it on profligate living. after ending up with nothing in a literal pig pen, he decides to return to his father and beg to be nothing more than his servant. he makes the trip home, practicing a speech of repentance the entire time.

i can't tell the story as beautifully as scripture, so i'll let jesus' own words tell you what happened next:

but while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him...the father said to his servants, 'quick! bring the best robe and put it on him. put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. bring the fattened calf and kill it. let's have a feast and celebrate. for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' so they began to celebrate.

compassion is a father running to his long lost son as he sees him from far off. compassion is throwing your arms around someone and kissing them. compassion is finding your best robe and prized ring and putting it on another. compassion is preparing a feast in another's honor. compassion is celebrating life and people, especially when they have done nothing to deserve it.

in the same way, the samaritan had compassion for the dying man on the road. no one would have blamed the samaritan for crossing over to the other side, to walk away, to make the safe choice. but he had compassion, he ran to the dying man and sacrificed his safety, his time, his wealth, his convenience for the dying man, the hebrew who hated his race.

this has been really messing me up over the past few weeks. the day before i heard this particular sermon, i has passed a homeless man on south congress while shopping, a man displaced by the hurricane. he asked for help, i replied, "no, thank you." as if my politeness would heal his brokenness or save his soul. i passed by a hispanic woman with sad eyes wrapped in a shawl holding a card with words written in english on it to help her beg more effectively. i looked the other way. on my way back to my car, i literally walked on the opposite side of the road in order to not be in contact with either one of them again.

they aren't trustworthy, i told myself.
it isn't safe to talk to strangers, i believed.
they have other options, i justified.

i am the priest. i am the levite. i pass on the other side.

oh, that i may have compassion for those dying in the streets, even when it isn't safe. may i see them from far off and run to them. may i throw my best robe on them and give the my prize ring. may i bind up their wounds and give them lodging. may i have the same compassion that the good samaritan and the father had for those who had done nothing to deserve it.

and your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt,
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.

bleed with your praises

2008-09-14T23:15:00.006-05:00

in the middle of the summer during a particularly emotional night, i asked my friend franks how in the world i was supposed to find god in the middle of my grief. she replied, "you know, it's hard, but it's also intimate."

i don't think i really understood the point of that statement until recently. and maybe i still don't understand it--because i think if i did, it might change my life.

being home from this great adventure of student life that was wrapped up in this great grief from lauren's death is just kind of strange. it's like someone put the brakes on my life. i stay in one place every week. i don't have to live out of two suitcases and wear the same five shirts every week (though i find myself still doing that). i don't tell her story every day four of camp. i'm not constantly having to beg for prayer from my community and strength from the lord. i'm not uncomfortable anymore. i've lost my sense of wonder that came with the newness of each different day on the road.

routine seems like such a harsh word, and i've only been away from student life for a month. but i feel like i've been lacking the sense of purpose that i operated under this summer. i woke up every morning with the knowledge of my very real dependence on the lord. i was feeling more broken than i had ever been, but also more used for his purposes.

and now it's kind of hard to see that back here in college station, to be perfectly honest. i just feel like i'm not really doing anything of eternal significance anymore. i'm not doing obvious and intense ministry anymore, and my life is so much more focused on me than it was during the summer (i eat what i want, i go to my classes, i hang out with my friends). and somewhere in the past month, the world has lost a bit of its luster.

and god knows, i don't want that. i want to be a person who sees beauty in every moment, miracles every days, every bush aflame with the fire of god.

and i realize what it is i'm missing: intimacy. grief and hard work were intimate times by absolute necessity. if i didn't wake up every morning in humility and offer that day to the lord, i would have had an emotional breakdown by lunchtime. but now, as my prayers are answered in that it is becoming so much easier to feel normal again, i don't know if i really want to.

today as i listened to a worship song about the intense, overwhelming love of god, i began to think about the way i live my life. i'm not a bad person, in fact, if you asked most people, i'm a pretty good person. but i don't think that over these past few weeks i've been living as someone who's life has been completely wrecked by the love of god. how am i a different friend than someone who has not encountered the love of god? a different sister, daughter? leader? student? shouldn't i be drastically different?

i think so.

now, how do i have deep intimacy in the everyday ho-hum of life?
the answer to that question could change everything.

i dream i bleed with your praises
just to make the world smell like your grace again
i got down on my hands and my knees again.

jeremiah

2008-08-18T23:10:00.006-05:00

i honestly don't even know where to begin. the beginning was so long ago, three months ago. how does one write about a life as if it was just a brief experience? three months, one quarter of my 2008, an entire summer of my life. so much has happened, so much has changed in me that is seemingly imperceptible. i've been avoiding coming back to this, because i just don't even know where to begin.

more than anything else, this summer i learned about the beauty of redemption--and how i can never really even comprehend how beautiful it is this side of heaven. i spent much time thinking about lauren. more importantly, i spent much time telling others about lauren and how her life and death illustrates the gospel. upwards of a thousand students have heard her story--my story. hundreds have heard about the day i learned of jesus' goodness in the midst of pain. the lord brought people into my life that had recently lost friends and had a cloudy view of god because of it and i was able to share with them a little bit of his grace. and somehow in the middle of all this, the lord has changed my heart. it is becoming easier to be normal again and function and walk in the land of the living again without guilt. i can see the lord rewriting this tragedy and turning it into a bittersweet and hard fought victory.

this past semester, i seriously related my life to that of job. everything seemed to be a struggle, and everyday it seemed as though the bottom had fallen out again. i clung to the lord like i had never clung to him before, and learned so much about grace and his goodness. this summer, though, i can really relate to another biblical character: jeremiah. as i would tell her story week after week after week, i would weep over my squad. i think i made a lot of them nervous, but i just couldn't help it. i wept for me, for my friends, for her, her family. i wept because of the deep sadness and loss brought on by her death. but to be perfectly honest, i wept more for the students in my squad every week. i wept because so many of them are giving their lives to insignificant things and devoting their hearts to gods to small to save.

and i wept to tell them the message; the message that lauren lived out daily. the message that jesus is life, and that there is no life anywhere but him. that all else is chasing after worthlessness. and i can only trust that the lord's word will not return to him empty.

there is so much more to be said, and maybe soon it will be.
greater things are still to be done.

what's that on the ground?
it's what's left of my heart.
somebody named jesus broke it to pieces
and planted the shards.
and they're coming up green
and they're coming in bloom
i can hardly believe this is all coming true...

the edge of something large

2008-05-24T22:55:00.003-05:00

tomorrow, i start a new life.
maybe that's a bit over-dramatic.
tomorrow, i start something new.

i feel like i should write everything i'm feeling out, because this is one of the most epic adventures i've ever begun. but as i sit here in a hotel room in hoover, alabama, i find that i don't have much to say.

and that is a bit of a relief.

all of the apprehension, the what-ifing, the overwhelming fear and worst-case scenario mindset has disappeared. well, at least for tonight. and that is a huge weight lifted.

i know that this will not always be the case. i know that there will be times that i struggle.
but i am so thankful for this moment of fog-lifting confidence in the face of the unknown.

thank you jesus, for the grace you give.

i got to spend my last night in silsbee with my mom and diana. i couldn't have asked for a more perfect finale to my hometown rest. i had a great conversation with diana about all that the lord has done in my life over the past semester, and as i talked it out i began to feel more and more at peace.

i will probably never come to a point where i can say with sanity that lauren's death happened for a reason. i have never felt comfortable with that phrase as it trivializes all the pain that her friends and family have been through and makes it seem as though it is worth her dying for us to be nicer, more aware people. honestly, you will probably never convince me of that.

however, i do believe fervently in the promise that paul reminds us of in romans 8:28.
all things work together for the good.
i'm starting to really grasp hold of that. it isn't saying that god is going to do horrible things to those who follow them so that they can reap a trite life lesson from it. no. this to me is a recognition that there will be pain, sometimes worse than we could possibly fathom, but beauty will come from it if you have the eyes to see.

i'm beginning to have those eyes that see.
i'm beginning to see that before i even knew what student life was, the lord knew that i would be working for them. and before i had ever met lauren lewis, the lord knew of the eternal significance that march 3 held. and he knew that i would walk into this huge new ministry of my life with a heart so broken it can barely feel at times. he knew all along. and he's been preparing to comfort me since before i even knew i needed comforting.

that blows me away.
it tells me that i have nothing to fear, for he is with me.

now i seek to focus my attention fully and completely on him.
if god is for us, who can be against us?

love/hate

2008-05-13T22:52:00.005-05:00

as in, i have a love/hate relationship with blogging. i feel a lot of pressure from myself to get these words right. lame. especially since a grand total of about five people have ever read this.

self: calm down.

i'm currently in silsbee, tx, sitting in my living room, as i've done all day today.
i'm being horribly lazy; at times it is restorative. at times it is just hiding out. but i'm completely okay with that.

so much is changing.
subtract lincoln center.
subtract central baptist youth ministry.
subtract college station until late august.
subtract silsbee.
subtract security.

add a whole lot of faith.
add a whole lot of adventure.
add a whole lot of new things.

i am so fighting all this fear right now.
ever since lauren died i have been in a perpetual state of fear. i've played every possible worst case scenario in my head and asked what if. what if. what if. and i'm just absolutely terrified to step out of my house in the morning.

i just want everyone i love to be in my living room so i can just stare at them and make sure they are okay and safe and within reach and there. and what has the lord placed in my life?
a cross country road trip of service to him away from anyone i know.
a time of newness and adventure and insecurity.
a time requiring more faith than i've ever been able to muster.

i know there is a fighter left in me underneath all of this fear and despair.
i know i need to fight for joy and strength at this point.
i know i need to fight to believe that god is in control of whatever happens this summer.
i know i need to fight for my own well being.

lord, this is all in your hands.
lord, i believe. help my unbelief.

do not be afraid.

in him, through him, to him

2008-05-02T01:08:00.003-05:00

the glory of god is man fully alive

i can easily pinpoint the moment everything changed.

the day of the phone call from beth with tears. the day of forgotten frozen dinner lunches. the day of lauren lambert's sofa and writing cards that will never be sent. the day of disbelief. the day of denial-laughter. the day of spaghetti and salad and chests that rise and fall. the day of crying. and crying. and crying.

after the phone call, kate and i sat in my room; i on my plastic and steel computer chair and she on my bed. i raised my eyes to hers in disbelief and she began to pray for whatever she could, but neither of us knew what or how to pray in this moment. we only knew that we should.

she voiced an amen and squeezed my warm and shaking hands. i began to pray as if vomiting. words left my mouth as soon as i thought them; tumbling, trembling. i have never spoken more truth or fear or pain.

as i spoke aloud in a quiet place, words appeared that were both expected and unexpected. the truest words i have ever spoken were not even my own.

lord, not my will, but your will be done.

i stopped, frozen in a painful and revealing honesty. the tears flowed freely in distorting streams and i gasped awkwardly for breath again and again choking on the words i meant most of all.

no matter what, may your name be glorified.

how could i possibly say such a thing? but i had. and i meant it deeply, profoundly, more than i had ever meant anything before in my life--the cliche validated through suffering and experience. i felt more real than i had ever before. i was very aware of my own being--and what that meant.

my words, jumbled and broken, high pitched and sobbed, changed everything.
there is no return from those words--words that have the power to tear down and build anew, to both kill and resurrect.

no matter what, may your name be glorified.

no turning back now.

i can't afford it, but it's mine.

with a heart wide open

2008-04-01T08:37:00.006-06:00

so, here's my summer schedule:

june 2-6: lee university; cleveland, tn
june 10-14: stephen f. austin university; nacogdoches, tx
june 16-20: wake forest university; winston-salem, nc
june 22-26: stetson university; deland, fl
june 28-july 2: lee university; cleveland, tn
july 2-6: lee university; cleveland, tn
july 9-13: fort lewis college; durango, co
july 14-18: fort lewis college; durango, co
july 21-25: oklahoma baptist university; shawnee, ok
july 28-august 1: california baptist university; riverside, ca
august 4-8: george fox university; newberg, or

"the lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, o lord, endures forever.
do not forsake the work of your hands."

psalm 138:8

a beautiful collision

2008-03-09T14:59:00.009-06:00

i've never had to deal with the death of one of my best friends before, so i'm not quite sure how to go about talking about this.

on monday, the lord saw fit to take lauren lewis from me. from us. from here. and i don't necessarily know how to accept that statement just yet.

so many stories and permanently ingrained memories have come out of this past week, and it is so incredibly humbling to realize that you are living the moments that will forever change the rest of your life.

how am i supposed to take that knowledge?

this past december, i decided i wanted to be a portrait photographer. i recruited lewis as my first model, and fumbling with my expensive camera we managed a successful first photo shoot. i made her try ridiculous things in order to get a good shot; she would coyly kick up one leg at my request and with calculated abandon throw her hands to the sky. she was so self conscious about the way her chin looked when she smiled and i struggled to convince her that the shots we were getting were beautiful by anyone's standards.

when i received the phone call on that day, i immediately remembered our photo shoot and her willingness to help me when i was in need. i remember one of the conversations we had in my car between locations, and how with humility she expressed why she acted the way she acted:

"serving is just who i am. i can't imagine going through life without putting others first."

this was the truest self-assessment i have ever heard.

on tuesday night, i got a call from one of her roommates. lauren's parents had found the pictures from our photo shoot lurking in the annals of facebook photo history and had fallen in love with them. they wanted to let me know that they were going to use them in press releases about her accident and at the funeral.

my heart broke for the millionth time in forty-eight hours.

i called my mom the next day in tears, trying desperately to explain my feelings about those pictures, once so dear to me.

i had no idea when i was taking these pictures that i was taking her funeral pictures. i had no idea what their purpose was. and i hated that. i hated that i didn't know. i hated that this is what they would be used for. i hated how perfectly this worked out. i hated how terrifyingly orchestrated this was. i hated how used i feel by the lord--in both a positive and negative way.

i was told by friends to feel honored, but i didn't. i felt spooked and angry at the lord.

i couldn't get a story from jesus' life out of my head.
when mary anointed his feet with expensive oil and wiped them with her hair, judas questions her actions. jesus rebukes judas, saying that mary may keep this perfume for the day of his burial.

i wonder what mary thought in that moment.
did she know what was going to happen?
did she know that she was anointing him for his burial?
did she want to take back her actions and protest the "plan?"
did she weep out of the knowledge of losing someone she loved so dearly?
did she accept what was going to occur and possess a deep and inexplicable quiet peace?

scripture leaves my questions for mary unanswered.

everything within me wanted to believe that lauren's death was random. it is so much easier to believe than the alternative. if her death wasn't random, then the lord took her from us. my pain was from the lord and due to his purposeful actions. her death was and is part of the "plan."

and this scared/scares me to death.

but the truth was this: all signs pointed to a plan, the terrifying orchestration of the lord's plan for all of our lives.

i took pictures not to grow as an artist, but to comfort a family in pain.
how does one accept that?

at the funeral, the family asked to meet me. they wanted to meet the girl who took the last portraits of their daughter.

lauren's dad grabbed my hands as the tears grew in my eyes.
"your pictures are beautiful."
"thank you, sir."
"i wanted to let you know how grateful we are to have them."
"you are more than welcome, sir. it's the least i can do."
"i want to thank you, because when i first saw the picture of lauren with her hands in the air, that moment was when i began to grieve. thank you so much for that."

the terrifying and merciful hand of the lord, may it ever guide me.

i'm still so upset. i still find little peace. i don't know how to ever move beyond this pain. i don't know how to handle the fact that her fingerprints are all over my life and i am just beginning to realize the full extent of her impact on me.

but i know that i will join her in believing what she believed so fervently in her life.

the lord will fulfill his purpose for me.

a line in the sand

2008-02-02T12:05:00.000-06:00

lately, i've been reading a lot about the body of christ and what it should look like here on earth. let me tell you, i can be really down hearted when i think about how much we as christians have missed the mark of what it means to truly be our savior's body. we compete with each other for attendance, we reject christians in need of love, we judge each other, hate each other, are indifferent about each other. i often wonder what it is to even be in the mysterious body of christ, because at times i can easily forget the moments when i've experienced the church's fullness.

it's a very frustrating feeling.

we are all members of one another.

it makes me think of the little story passed down to me from ages past of the early christians in the persecuted church. when believer would meet another, they would draw a line in the sand; one half of the sacred ichthus, the curve of the fish we have come to identify as our own. if the other person was a fellow believer, they would complete the design in the sand with the second curve.

the other day i rode the bus home from school as i often do, and took some time with the lord in my seat. i pull out my bible and put on my ipod and begin to read ephesians. there was a guy sitting in a seat across the aisle from me, and i notice that he is literally staring me down. i keep my eyes glued to the page and do not dare look up, being made so uncomfortable by his stare. finally i reach my stop and move to the door. i notice that he has begun to move as well; we share the same bus stop.

as i exit the bus and walk toward my place, he catches up with me.

"what are you reading?" he asks. i finally make eye contact with this stranger reservedly.
"ephesians," i respond, in quick one word fashion.

he nods and looks excited.
"i'm going through 1 john right now. it's really a great book."
at this point i try to shake of my awkward pretensions and answer.
"really? that's my favorite book."

we reach his apartment and he waves goodbye. i haven't seen him again.

i haven't been able to get this incident out of my head for a while, and i couldn't figure out why.

then i remembered the story of the ichthus, the line in the sand.
when this one guy saw me reading my bible on the bus, he was excited for no reason other than i was a fellow believer. he lowered his finger to the ground and drew the curve of the fish. he accepted me because we are members of the same family, even though we had never met. i am his sister and fellow worker in the kingdom, and that was and is enough for him.

now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common

may i extend that same fellowship and invitation to my brothers and sisters in the church.
may i always recognize the kinship and relationship i have with my christ's body the church.
may i always love and accept the beautiful royal priesthood for whom Christ died.
may i always lower my finger to the ground and participate in the holy tradition of welcoming my family in.

but you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession
once you were not a people, but now you are God's people

we are all members of one another

la música del año pasado

2008-01-13T14:37:00.000-06:00

i'm a music junkie/nerd.

these are simply the albums i loved the most in 2007, not necessarily the albums i loved the most that came out in 2007. you'll notice some are a bit older.

i only really had two guidelines:
a. the album had to be added to my itunes in 2007
b. if there were two albums by one artist that i loved in 2007, i picked the more recently released of the two.

25) akron/family--love is simple
24) travis--the boy with no name
23) sleeping at last--keep no score
22) wilco--sky blue sky
21) kelly clarkson--my december
20) david crowder band--remedy
19) the postal service--give up
18) teitur--stay under the stars
17) kanye west--graduation
16) the arcade fire--neon bible
15) rodrigo y gabriela--rodrigo y gabriela
14) iron & wine--the shepherd's dog
13) john legend--once again
12) death cab for cutie--plans
11) the decemberists--the crane wife
10) spoon--ga ga ga ga ga
9) nickel creek--why should the fire die?
8) beirut--the flying club cup
7) frou frou--details
6) ryan adams--easy tiger
5) the polyphonic spree--the fragile army
4) rilo kiley--under the blacklight
3) glen hansard & marketa irglova--once
2) patty griffin--children running through
1) andrew osenga--letters to the editor, vol. 1

memories are funny that way

2007-12-12T01:38:00.001-06:00

when i was young enough to still have friends in my neighborhood whose doors i could knock on whenever i wanted, my friend tara and i decided to have squirrel thanksgiving.

we found all of the acorns we could and piled them the sidewalk going from her mailbox to her front door, directly in the middle.

we stomped on them and crushed them all up, shoving the soft yellow inside together and removing as much of the external shell as we could.

after we had created a substantial mound, we hid near the bushes on the front porch and waited for the squirrels.

we waited and waited and waited
and they never came
but we still felt we had done a very noble thing
something very wonderful indeed
and we knew they would come eventually

the other day on the way to my bus stop i stepped on an acorn, crushing it until the bright mushy center was visible and smeared on the cement.
i realized that i tell myself this story every time the leaves start to change.
and remember gladly.

an invitation

2007-07-14T01:06:00.000-05:00

Alan is right--I need to write about Kiki. I've told his story so many times, so I don't really know why this has been so difficult. I'm just afraid that putting it down into words means that this story is over--and I am not ready for this story to be over. It is dynamic and breathing and moving and living in me. I'm afraid to write it down and get it wrong. I'm afriad that it will seem like one incident, stagnant water.

It isn't.

But like I said, Alan is right. I need to write about it (so that Kiki will always stay with me; living, breathing, moving).

You don't mean to have favorites when you work with kids, but inevitably, I do. Kiki is my favorite, but Kiki is always angry. Somedays I feel lost in his anger and at a loss as to what to do. When Kiki gets really angry, it's is like he isn't Kiki anymore. Kiki vacates; I am left to deal with Kiki's empty body.

I always wonder where the rest of Kiki goes when he gets angry.

The first time I saw Kiki leave himself was my beginning week at the center.
Well, I feel like I should tell you my first time meeting Kiki before I get to that.

The first time I spoke to Kiki, it was to send him to the supervisor's office for throwing a punch on the playground. It was my second day on the job, and the first time I had had to discipline one of my kids.

In my supervisor's office, Kiki was asked to tell the truth about what had happened.

"I might have punched Keshawn," Kiki said in a sly and manipulative tone.
"You might have, or you did?" Lance, my supervisor, asked.
"I might have," Kiki repeated.

I pressed my lips together to suppress my laughter.

After speaking to Mr. Lance, the center supervisor, Kiki had to apologize to me and promise to respect me, the other kids, and himself to avoid suspension. This was his last chance.

The next day was the first time I saw Kiki become angry.
All day he had tried to be good.

When one of my seven year olds tried to be good, you can see it all over their faces. They become the Enforcer of Lincoln Center Rules and Regulations and are fully offended if any other child breaks one of the Rules.

Kiki was like this on this day. If there were more than four kids at the foosball table, he would stare down the fifth until they had a seat. If someone was talking in line or calling another kid a name, they would be sure to get an earful from Kiki.

But on this day, Kiki brought a marble to the center. And Kiki didn't have any pockets for this marble.
(Marbles without pockets to place them in become a great temptation for seven year old boys.)

In gym on this day, Kiki decided to throw the marble at the other boys and girls. Trying to stop this before it could get out of hand, I offered a deal to Kiki. I would hold the marble until the end of the day so he wouldn't get in trouble.

"But you are going to forget, Miss Caroline! And then I won't have my marble!"
"Kiki, if I forget to give you back your marble by the end of the day, then I will owe you candy tomorrow."

The only thing more appealing than a marble to a seven year old is the prospect of a marble and candy.

Kiki was content for about fifteen minutes while we were in the gym, but he soon realized that I wasn't going to forget to give him his marble, and that meant he wouldn't get candy. This upset Kiki.

This was the first sign of Kiki's anger.
He spun around in circles and yelled at me to return his marble.
I declined and reminded him of our deal.
He tried to run out of the gym and yelled.
He tried to hit and push me to knock the marble out of my hand.
I placed him on the gym wall until he could calm down.

(A note on discipline: When a child breaks the rules, we take them out of the play time and place them on a wall. Essentially, it's a "sit here and think about what you did" sort of tactic. At the end of their time [which usually runs no longer than three minutes], I come and talk to them. We talk about choices and what choice they made that led them to the wall. We talk about what we could do in the future to avoid being put on the wall, and we apologize to any other student who was affected by their actions.)

On this certain day, as if fate had ordained it, another staff member was giving out "Star Student" necklaces to those boys and girls who had managed to stay off of the wall all day.

After we left the gym, we finished out our day on the playground. Kiki had calmed down at seemingly forgotten the incident in the gym. When it was time to hand out Star Student necklaces, Kiki approached me.

"I've been good today, Miss Caroline."
"Yes Kiki, you've done really well today. You were so quiet in the line and helped the other boys and girls remember what to do in the gameroom. Great job, Kiki."
"Can I have my Star Student necklace now?"

As much as I wanted to give him one, I knew I couldn't.

"Sweetheart, you earn a Star Student necklace by not going to the wall all day. But tomorrow, I'm sure that you will try hard and choose to earn a necklace. I know you can do this tomorrow, Kiki."

This was the first time I saw Kiki leave himself.
I watched him shut down in front of me, eyes glazed over.
He ran to the corner of the building just beyond my sight.

I wanted to leave Kiki alone to calm down, but I also couldn't let him run to a place where I couldn't see him. I followed after Kiki only to see him standing with his face against the brick of the building, motionless, expressionless.

"Kiki, honey, I need you to come back to the other side of the building where I can see you. You can be by yourself if you want, but we can't be on this side of the building."

He made a guttural noise and no sign of movement.

I would take a few steps closer, and he would slink away without looking at me. I finally was able to touch him, grab hold of him. He flinched.

"Sweetie, really, we need to move to the other side of the building."

I finally had to physically move him to a basketball court within view of the other children. He sat cross legged in the middle of the court, staring blankly forward.

I am doing all I can to reaffirm, reaffirm, reaffirm.

Kiki, you really have done a great job today,
Kiki, I think you are a wonderful kid,
Kiki, I know that you can stay off of the wall tomorrow,
Kiki, don't you want to come back to the playground?
Kiki, I really am so proud of you,
Kiki, Kiki, Kiki.

I could almost visibly see my words bouncing off. It is a strange thing to know that you can be one inch away from someone and realize that they can't hear you.

I wonder where the rest of Kiki goes when he is angry.

But the part of Kiki I want to stay with me isn't Kiki when he's angry. It is who he is when he is fully present and alive. It is who he is and who he is becoming and who he has become.

Somedays, Kiki decides that he really likes Miss Caroline. These are my favorite days. When I walk in at one, his face lights up and he will push any kid down to be the first to give me a hug. These are good days.

On one of these days, his brother DeDe (say this: Day-Day) came with him.
Being brothers, there is some undeniable tension between the two. On the playground one day, Kiki and Dede started out playing together and ended up wrestling in the grass. I ran across the playground and quickly broke it up before it escalated into a full-fledged fight.

I sent both boys to the wall to calm down. Kiki looked obviously ashamed.
He had been having such a good day, and he knew that he had blown it.

After letting them cool off and spend some time thinking, I approached Kiki.
"Kiki, are you ready to talk about what happened or do you need to be alone a little while longer?"
"I'm ready, Miss Caroline."
"Sweetie, can you tell me why you are on the wall?"
Kiki stopped and looked at the ground.
"I'm on the wall because I fought with my brother and I'm not supposed to ever fight with anyone."
"That's right, Kiki. And how do you think we should fix this?"

Kiki looked away from the ground and into my eyes.
"Miss Caroline, I don't know! I try to be good and then something happens and I'm bad again. I'm just a bad kid, Miss Caroline! I don't want to be a bad kid, I want to make you proud and be a good kid. But I'm just a bad kid, no matter how hard I try not to be one."

My heart broke.

"Kiki, sweetheart, you are not a bad kid. You are a good kid, a great kid."
"Then why do I act so bad? I must be a bad kid for acting so bad."
"Honey, we all make mistakes. You are a wonderful kid, but sometimes you make mistakes. You know what, Kiki? Even Miss Caroline makes mistakes sometimes."

His eyes widened.

"It's true, Kiki. Even I mess up and make mistakes. But what matters is that I try to make good choices. You just need to choose to act like the good kid you already are, Kiki."
"I just want you to like me, Miss Caroline, but I mess up to much. I'm always in trouble. You won't ever like me since I'm always in trouble."
"Sweetheart, I do more than just like you. I love you. And I'm going to let you know a special secret: There isn't anything you could ever do to make me love you less."

Without another word, Kiki burst into tears.
I wondered if I had crossed the line or scared him or made him feel worse."

"Do you need to be alone for a little bit, Kiki?"
He nodded.

A few minutes later, I went back to check on him.

"What are you doing, Kiki?"
"I'm thinking about what you said, Miss Caroline."

For as long as I live, those words will forever be engraved on the tablets of my heart. Even now, I can hear him saying them. I can see his downturned face. I notice his hands tucked behind his back as his kicks the ground with his left foot.

"What are you thinking about, Kiki?"
"There really isn't anything I could do to make you love me less, Miss Caroline?"
"Not one thing, Kiki."
"Do you really mean that?"
"Yes, Kiki. I really do."
"Miss Caroline, can I tell you something?"

He raised his almond brown eyes to mine.

"That makes me want to be good."

the workhorse

2007-06-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

drug test pending, i am now gainfully employed.

we'll call this "my summer as a civil servant."

i am the newest employee of the city of college station.

call the fiscal services desk monday through friday between the hours of eight and noon, and you'll get to experience my expertise.

noticing

2007-05-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

being silent, looking to notice god's presence
in conversations, in personalities
obviously in nature
in moments of silence
in empathy

in my best friend's quirks
her penchant for webmd and identifying shrubbery
her subtle support and love; her ability to act without want of recognition
her quiet encouragement, her simple and fervent belief in me
(even though she says it in jest--i know she means what she says)

in joscelyn's passion
how she has the amazing ability to say every sentence as if it were the most important information being spoken
and i believe her, fully, completely

in my sarah drake
my longest friendship
my most present ally
my partner in crime
our secret sarah/caroline language
(is that david bowie?)

in my sister's smile when she thinks no one is looking
(it is how she serves--in secret)

in butterflies, in cranes in our pond, in racoon families
in my duck swimming in our pool in the rain
in honey bees on flower willing to be caught on film

in my baby niece, reaching toward the light
(even if the light is simply a chandelier)

i've taken to noticing

simple uncertainty

2007-05-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

I don't think "I don't know what I'm doing" can fully encompass how I am feeling at this juncture in my life.

Let's review: seven submitted applications for a job, zero job offers. Zero certainty about my summer schedule. Zero idea as to how I will be spending my time. Zero idea as to whether or not I can do the fun things I hoped to do.

(i feel in limbo.)

I just need to be more practical instead of simply hiding away in Silsbee. I need to get back to reality and start proactively searching for answers, for direction.

(But honestly, I don't want to do that. I want to stay here at home and be worthless and complain and work HOBY and SHIFT and go to Student Life and Seattle and pursue all of those other wonderful and unpaid pursuits.)

I hate this feeling of responsibility.
I hate the fact that "MmBop" is TEN YEARS OLD.

(honey, you are growing up.)

I don't know where I'm going.

And at this point, that offers me less mystery and more confusion.

(there is a huge part of me that doesn't understand why i've been brought to this place. i want to see miracles, see the world, learn and live and have adventures, but when i try to do that i end up spending the summer in college station, texas.

i mean, i know the punchline, i know the "lesson," i know i need to find meaning in the normal, small areas of life. but i want adventure all the same.)

No matter what, You are faithful.

You are faithful.

I know this, and yet I am constantly having to relearn it.

Write on my heart Your faithfulness.
Imprint your faithfulness in the palms of my hands.
Let me see your faithfulness when I sleep at night,
when I work at my yet unrealized job,
when I serve you,
when I hide away.

Teach me your faithfulness.

hold things loosely

para el verano

2007-04-19T14:26:00.000-05:00

1) wear hats.
2) have a "summer soundtrack"
3) get a lovely tan.
4) skydiving. just do it.
5) be a barista
6) read a ridiculous amount of books (including, but not limited to les miserables.)
7) be. more. creative. (write. draw. sing. create.)
8) clean up!
9) go to the silsbee waterpark. bask in its glory.
10) watch movies i've been meaning to watch (1. last king of scotland)
11) dance a lot.
12) be a great bridesmaid
13) hang out at a lake
14) aprender a cocinar bien
15) "and you give yourself away"
16) take pictures of sunsets whenever possible where ever possible
17) while driving, stop often and experience life
18) camp out
19) star gaze (this means leaving town.)
20) save lots of money
21) cheap-as-free roadtrips.
22) LOVE MUCH. (be available/sacrificial/encouraging/wise/caring/giving/listening/there)
23) have great adventures. be spirited. tell stories. make memories.
24) contemplate the balance of discipline and freedom.
25) fort night 2k7
26) estudia la biblia mucho para que podría ser la maestra mas mejor para sus chicas de prepa.
27) spend a summer as a hipster.

i was born to laugh
i learned to laugh through my tears
i was born to love
i'm gonna learn to love without fear

truth & beauty

2007-03-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

sometimes i am amazed at my incredible capacity to not get things. (the entire spanish language is included in this statement.)

summing it all up, friends, i'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

i've been doing my best lately to my a conscious effort to "fill my mind" with these things, and i must admit--i have always been squeemish when it comes to this verse.

now, before i explain why i just don't get it, let me explain some of the factors leading up to my just not getting it:

i feel like in the formative years in my life, this verse was always used in a seemingly inverse fashion. thus, instead of hearing that i should fill my mind with truth and beauty, i would hear that i should stay away from things that are not true, authentic, compelling, and the rest. and what this usually meant for my 13-17 year old self was that i probably shouldn't watch r-rated movies or listen to secular music.

now, i'm a fan of many r-rated movies, and with the exception of a philippians 4:8 secular music hiatus during my holy high school years, i love all kinds of music. it makes sense, then, that this verse often gave me a headache.

i was listening to a gregg matte sermon the other day and he was talking about ezra opening the scroll before all of the israelites. he mentioned that when they read about the festival of booths, a god-commanded party, they immediately began to prepare to have their own so as to follow the law.

gregg pointed out the obvious and interesting: god commanded a party.

in this context i had my lightbulb moment concerning philippians 4:8 that is a long time coming: god wants me to think about good stuff. and good stuff is, by definition, good. and that should be exciting to me.

i mean, think about it. the verse compels me to think about beautiful and wonderful and genuine things. what part of this is a burden?

maybe i am the only person who has ever struggled with this verse, and if so, that's fine. but i must say, there is a newfound feeling of excitement and freedom within me lately.

thinking about truth and beauty? not such a bad commandment to keep.

redeemed, redeemed

2007-03-14T00:53:00.000-06:00

i am completely overwhelmed.

not in a bad way. rather, in the kind of way you feel when approaching something beautiful or immense for the first time and are simply awestruck at how incredibly small you seem.

like, sometimes when the clouds are just right and there are few trees, it is possible to get a good glimpse of how spherically massive this globe is.

that's how i feel. overwhelmed.

i am so thankful, thankful for the relationships in my life.
i cannot believe how amazing the people are around me. i am so impressed with them and encouraged by them and sharpened by their presence and words and lifestyle and opinions.

i am overwhelmed by the fact that through the blood of christ i am not only put into a right relationship with him, but also with others. i can know and show love because of this divine redemptive act.

the cross changes everything.

and i am overwhelmed.

only alive with you

2007-03-05T16:38:00.000-06:00

now normally, i'm not a fan of formulaic treatment of the bible. but, with the addition of philosophy of logic into my life, it seems inevitable that i now view the world through the eyes of logical propositions.

for example:

[(~c)*t]>w :: if not c and t, then w

do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

w>(~f) :: if w, then not f

if anyone loves the world, then the love of the father is not in him.

another biblical truth i've been avoiding:

(p*w)>s :: if p and b, then s

what i've both known and avoided all at the same time: if prayer and the word, then strength.
silly me for having to relearn this principle over and over.

i write to you, young men, because you are strong.
the word of God abides in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.

this is a new day, a new spring. and thank god for the grace that he gives for my foolishness.

to the left, to the left.

2007-02-19T09:55:00.000-06:00

(dear self: life is about evaluation.)

i need to sit down and seriously reflect on my life.

i never stretch myself. i do things i know i'll be good at and take positions i know i will have no problem with.

does that mean i'm maximizing on my gifts and talents or that i am afraid?

i want to take risks. i want to do something that is beyond myself. (i want to learn to rely on god when i know that there is no way that i can accomplish something on my own.)

no wonder i feel so unfaithful, so overly self-sufficient.

(people speak of these huge life experiences and when asked how they got through, they answer that they relied on god. i always feel cynical about these responses. maybe it is because i don't, or don't even know what it looks like.)

here's to stretching myself, taking risks, doing something uncomfortable for the purpose of growth and serving others.

"he convinced me that his summer was made special because i was there." --steve baskin, when speaking of the impacting friendship he had with his summer camp counselor

goodness. if that isn't convicting.

and i'll try to sing this song of relief
and it's all i can do to keep breathing
(in, out)

here's to january 6.

2007-01-06T16:29:00.000-06:00

my 2007 thus far? i've spent the bulk of it on vicodin, and i'm ready to have a clear head again.

(i'm too much of a fan of my own mind to sacrifice it to constant fuzziness)

today, i'm just dealng with the pain of my lack of wisdom teeth with an ice pack and advil. but, i can actually remember things that happened two seconds ago and don't have the sudden and unignorable urge to wander off or laugh at people in public.

entertaining, though? i've learned that i would be a belligerent drunk.

apparently i attempted to wrestle my sister as soon as i got home from the oral surgeon.

(i'm the kind of personality who pushes things to the limit, who ignores cautions and believes that consequences have no effect on me)

(well, at least i'm that kind of person while on happy pills from the doctor)

i am excited about 2007. the prospects are inviting.
2006 wasn't terrible, but there were times when certain events felt overly gratuitous (in a certain, really? must this all fall on me at once? or wait, i thought these sort of things only happened in the movies! sort of way).
i'm glad that i made it, i'm glad that i've grown. i'm glad that it is over.

i think i've learned--or, am in the process of learning--the value of friendship and the different ways to be a friend.

2006 taught me to affirm, affirm, affirm. to be available. to push myself and fall back on friends.

also, i learned how to study. and that i am naturally good at some things--and not others.

we'll see what is in store for 07. here's to you.

a look in the mirror

2006-12-15T13:58:00.000-06:00

I've had so few words lately.

Sometimes I think the best writers are those who are the most self aware. In the spirit of this, here is some awareness.

I've recently been told that my life looks too much like the Gilmore Girls. Talk fast, witty remarks, random adventures, over used spontaneity.

Consciously, I don't want to be that girl. I know people who are, and I tend to avoid them. I am just wondering, what part of this WB drama is persona and what part of it is the reality that makes up who I am? I don't feel like I stir up when there is no need. Quite the opposite, actually. I have grown into a diplomat. I can usually make most arguments diffuse by stating the positions in a new light. I rarely bring up small annoyances. I see myself as a peacemaker.

How much of me is who I am?

Our culture constantly tells us to perform, to be different, to be unique, to stand out. We can show everyone on the web how many friends we have, the album we are listening to that makes us seem tragically hip. We can create peronalities on MySpace, Facebook. How much of what we put into that is ourselves, and how much is hype?

I feel like that biggest life lesson I've had this semester is transparency, but sometimes I feel like I let even that define me.

How does a person show who they are when aspects of themselves carry positive and negative judgements?
How can someone really not take into account those judgements?

Show me a person who doesn't care what people think, and I'll show you a person who wants people to think they don't care what people think.

There is the crux of it.

How to stop being, stop defining, stop judging, stop categorizing.
How to start living.

How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? How is it possible to stop competing in every area of our lives? How can we tear down the strata and just be ok with who we are?

What is it that makes up "who I am" anyway?

How much of it is what I do?
How much of it is what I like?
How much of it is what I think?
How much of it is where I call home?
How much of it is who I call friends?
How much of it is how I react to situations?

What is the ultimate summation of being?

I have no answers, just a continual and sometimes failing search for authenticity.

pink guitar

2006-10-15T20:12:00.000-05:00

The little girl walks up to me and puts her hand in mine before even saying her name, her blonde hair straight and tangled near the bangs. She tugs on my arm with her free hand and I lean over, signaling that she has my attention.

"Hi, I'm Jacqueline. But you can call me Jackie. What's your name?"

"My name is Caroline."

Her eyes grow wide.

"That's a really long name. I don't know if I can remember it. Do you have a short name that people call you?" She slides my bracelet around my wrist, fidgeting to make a few full rotations.

"Some of my friends call me Caro. Do you think you can remember Caro?"

She wrinkles her nose.

"I'll try to remember Caroline. Caro is a really, really, really weird name."

I laugh inaudibly through my nose.

"Yes, I suppose it is a really weird name."

"Caroline, I remembered your name Caro. Caroline, how old are you?"

"I'm nineteen, Jackie."

Her expressive face brightens; eyebrows lifting, tiny jaw droping slightly.

"That's old, Caroline!"

I laugh again. "You know, you're right. Nineteen is very old."

"I'm six. Well, I'm actually five, but I turn six on December 4th. So I'm really five and a half." Everytime she speaks a number, she stops so that I will grasp the full depth of her age.

"What do you want for your birthday then, Jackie? If you are turning six so soon, surely you've thought about it."

She inhales and surveys the area. Her eyes grow larger and her grin reveals two missing front teeth.

Yanking my arm down so that she can speak more quietly, she responds.

"I want a guitar."

I am impressed with this five-almost-six year old.

"I want a pink guitar. I want to learn to play the pink guitar."

"That's awesome, Jackie. Do you like music a lot?"

She pulls my arm even further so that my ear comes safely closer to her secret.

"Caroline, I want to be a songwriter. I want to write lots and lots of beautiful songs. I already wrote a few."

"That is so cool, Jackie. Do you want to be a rock star?" I nudge her shoulder and make my best rock star face, trying to be silly.

She looks around frantically and places her finger over her mouth, shushing me.

"Don't say it so loud! If you say wishes out loud then they won't come true."

I nod knowingly and urgently repent of my hasty speech.

"Do you think I could be a songwriter, Caroline?"

"I think you very well could be, Jackie. But I'll make sure never to say your wish too loudly, just in case."

In her characteristic expression, her eyes look at me as if to agree completely. She grips my hand more tightly and we walk into the center.

sweet eugene's meets sweet caroline

2006-10-15T20:11:00.002-05:00

He turns around for a moment from the mirror he sees me in.

"I just had the strangest experience."

I give him a look that requests more information.

"I just saw you in the mirror, and for a moment... I don't know, it's silly. But for a moment, well, it's like I was having an out of body experience. I saw you in the mirror, and for that second, I thought I was you."

He hands me my hot tea.

"I could just feel what you were feeling with that one look. Like how you had been waiting a long time at the register but still didn't care."

I look at my fingers, grin slightly, and shrug my shoulders. I meet his gaze again.

"Does that make any sense?"

I take the tea from his hands.

"You know, it actually does."

And I'm not feeling pain, or rejection, or even longing. I'm feeling comfort. I'm feeling security. I'm feeling balance.

I'm feeling the pages move from one to another.

I smile fully and look at him straight on. I turn around and walk away.

arby's fries

2006-10-15T20:11:00.001-05:00

and she danced around the room, clapping her hands, moving her hips. she closed her eyes and smiled her metallic grin. she stomped and spinned and danced and danced. she grabbed the younger ones and taught them the moves. and she laughed and she prayed and she danced.

i was eating curly fries when i saw her. i had never eaten arby's fries before, and she stood with her back to me about ten feet away. i recognized the back of her head.

I want to move to Dallas or Houston. I want to go to college. I want to do something, you know?

i recognized her haircut. she got it cut short last semester and was so self-conscious about it for the first few weeks. she was so used to her braids and felt naked with her new pixie-cut.

I'm moving to Dallas tomorrow. I'm going to UTA. I'm finally leaving.

she was still in braces, but they didn't make her look younger.

she walked out of the arby's and drove away.

I asked an employee about her.

Turn it back, Caroline! This is my favorite song.

Why do you cry? He has risen. Why are you weeping? He's not dead.

"this is ieschia's first day at work. she just moved back from dallas or somewhere. but she came back home."

I just know I want to do something big. and I don't think I can do that here.

drake.

2006-10-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

for sarah, one of the main characters in my life story.

i needed a smoke.

it had been one week since the conversation and more than anything, i needed a smoke.

sarah and i had only once shopped for cloves before, and we found them in a shady hookah lounge in austin. back in college station, we didn't know what to do other than stare into the locked tobacco display. we finally decided on some "little cigars" and bought them as cooly as we could.

the plan was to put on our bathing suits and smoke in the hot tub; to soak away the week. upon arrival we noticed that a group of people were occupying the area, and so we opted for plan b.

we moved two dining room chairs into my small front patch of grass, careful to take off the cushions so they wouldn't absorb the smoke smell. we found my ottoman and a friend's laptop. i grabbed some coldplay and we lit up.

i don't remember what we talked about. i'm not sure if we even did. i'm sure we joked about our inability to properly smoke and probably made a black lung joke or two. we took turns blowing smoke in the most sophisticated manner we knew how.

"you know, caroline, they always tell you growing up that smoking just isn't cool. but i've gotta admit, sitting here with some cigars, i feel cool as hell."

we sat and enjoyed the night.

we heard a clicking noise. exchanging glances, we each took another drag.

the sprinkler system activated. water sprayed in every direction around us.

from inside the wall of water we grabbed the computer and the pack of cigars and ran for dry sidewalk. with no hands, we smoked our cigars without removing them from our mouths.

after running in and out of the sprinklers retrieving the rest of my furniture, i looked at sarah. we were both soaked and laughing, cigars damp between our teeth.

cool as hell. i believe it.

other-sight

2006-10-15T20:10:00.000-05:00

I absolutely love my mother.

She's like no one else I've ever met.

It's like she sees things on a completely different level than the rest of the world.

I really think that she's the one who showed me how to see beauty in all the world.

Which has inadvertently led me to want to be a writer.

It's like,

if you told my mother that you must speak French to pigeons,

(because, after all, everyone knows that pigeons speak French)

she would agree and understand

while the rest of us would laugh or scrunch our noses

and she would proceed to piece together broken French and English in a French accent in order to appease them.

My mother loves pigeons.

Whenever we visit San Antonio she walks to the courtyard in front of the Alamo and calls them down from the top of the buildings.

She'll hide the leftover chips and tortillas from local restaurants in her purse so she can feed them.

And she does.

I laugh and call her The Bird Lady.

We tried raising ducks once, and one of our dogs got out and attacked them.

They were too young to fly.

My mother, upon arriving at the scene,

immediatly called me and told me to come home through tears

because she couldn't bear to deal with this alone.

They were just ducks

and we hadn't had them for very long

but I had to hold her as she cried.

I think she sees things that the rest of us can't.

april 2003

2006-10-15T20:08:00.000-05:00

I sit in a defeated heap on the floor with the phone in my hand.

My hand shakes with each deep, stifled sob. I had closed the door to my room and was trying to stay as quiet as possible.

One hand holds the phone, the other covers my open, gasping mouth, aborting the few words I need to say. Silencing.

I'm not beautiful when I cry like some people I've seen; I tremble and turn red and my eyes burn and my nose runs. Like most areas of my life, I'm messy when I cry.

I dial her number and swallow.
She answers and hears my whimpering.
She asks me what is wrong.

She never asks me what is wrong, but she asks me what is wrong.

I sniff hard.

"Dino, I have to tell you something."
Silence. Sniff. Silence.

"What's wrong, Caroline?"

"Dino, just talk to me for a second, ok? About anything in the world, but I need you to talk to me for a second."
Silence. Sniff. Silence.

She pauses long and deep. She begins a sentence and I feverishly interrupt her between sniffing and wiping my nose.

"Dino, tonight at dinner I almost threw up my meal."
Silence. Sniff. Silence.

"Why would you do that, Caroline?"
Silence. Sniff. Silence.

"Diana, tonight at dinner I almost threw up my meal because it was the first time I had eaten in a very long time."

She breathes in and out on the other side of the line.

I imagine her response.

How could you do such a thing?
That's stupid, Caroline.
Not another one of your meltdowns.

"Oh, Caroline..."

My back grows painfully tense and my throat weakens. I strain and wretch within my skin. I make a tight fist; my nails imprint my yellow palm.

I'm in a constant battle with my body.

"Are you alright?"

I sniff and pout like a little girl. I stammer.

"No, I don't think I am, Dino."

I wipe the flow of tears from my cheek. We both breathe.

"Caroline, why aren't you eating?"

I stare at one fiber of carpet and crush it with my little finger. Visions of heartbreaks, broken relationships, feelings of inadequacy, and Timothy race through my mind.

"I don't know, Dino." I stop and run the carpet through my fingers. "It's easy, so I do it."

I can almost hear her searching for the right words to say.

"Are you going to stop, Caroline?"
Silence. Sniff. Silence.
"I don't know."
Silence. Sniff. Silence.
"Probably not."

Diana exhales heavily, and I stay for a moment in her disappointment and concern.

I'm a child in a corner. I'm an addict with a lust for emptiness. I'm screwed up and I'm messy and I'm never beautiful when I cry.

"I love you, Carl."
"I know, Dino."
She pauses and strains.
"Do you, really?"
I quietly respond affirmatively.

She delicately prepares herself.

"You know that I'm going to try to stop you from now on, right?"

My muscles release for a moment with one good sigh, but soon gather tightly back to one another.

I hurt.

"I figured you would."

She asks again if I'm going to stop, and I tell her again that I probably won't.

I'm already planning tomorrow's excuse for skipping lunch in the back of my mind.

"I love you, Carl."
"I know, Dino."
She pauses and strains.
"Do you, really?"
I quietly respond affirmitavely.

Silence. Sniff. Silence.

say goodnight

2006-01-23T22:56:00.000-06:00

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear You now

Have you ever been entirely devoted to something for six and a half years?

There are the obvious answers. Friends, family, religion.

But what about a band?

Five days ago, Audio Adrenaline announced that they will be releasing one more record, the aptly titled Adios, before calling it quits after fifteen years of making music.

I was in sixth grade when Audio Adrenaline first entered my life. My dad purchased Songs for Life, a cheesy contemporary Christian compilation sold on late night television. Present on this album were the usual suspects: a few parts Sandi Patty and Point of Grace, a handful of Micheal W. Smith, and just a pinch of Carmen. Of interest, however, was Man of God.

If I make it, I’m a good man
Am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I’m never good enough
So I let grace prevail.

Sometimes I'm a man of God.

I remember listening to this song compared to the rest and noticing the profound difference. Musically, this was unlike anything I had previously encountered.

Mostly, I remember what an effect the lyrics had on me. I was eleven or twelve, but I knew there was something different about this song. It was raw. It was untouched. It was basic. It was real. It was a contemplation of the incredible grace of God for men that are inconsistent and undeserving. And though it would be years before I really could begin to comprehend exactly what this meant, the lyrics struck a resounding chord within me.

Their 1999 release Underdog is the soundtrack for my first summers with the FBC youth group. I was in junior high and trying so hard to find my place anywhere that would take me. Once I got into the youth group I decided that I needed to start listening to more Christian music in order to fit in with the churchy crowd.

I found Audio Adrenaline and found myself.

Their lyrics were never perfect; they were rarely ultra profound. They lacked a certain eloquence that other artists possessed.

But in their simplicity I was captured.

I think I see a lot of myself in that.

I get down, You lift me up.

I'll go where you send me.

This is the good life; I've lost everything.

I followed the band closely after that summer.

I saw them in concert while they were on tour for their album Lift. I walked away feeling like I had just witnessed something incredible; something worthy. Something I was privileged to encounter.

Can’t find the words to say
Life gets in the way
Words trip out of my mouth
Lord I wanted to
Sing a song to You
I don’t always know how

At some point during my High Fidelity-esque list making phase, I decided that I needed a top five bands of all time list.

1) Audio Adrenaline.
2-5) varies by day/mood

I was indeed a fan.

It's so strange now, because it seems that I've lived my life with their music in the background. 6th grade? Man of God. 7th grade? Houseplant Song. Freshman year? Rest Easy. Junior Year? Dirty and Hands and Feet. Senior Year? It's Over.

Say goodnight to all the friends who rock and rolled beside you.

Audio Adrenaline helped write the stories of one third of my life. One third. And now I'm feeling nostalgic and a bit wistful; it does indeed seem like the end of an era.

I guess it's our turn to say goodnight.

It's over, it's over. It's all over now.

no return to the law

2006-01-19T17:46:00.000-06:00

Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another--to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God...But now we have been delivered from the law, having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.
Romans 7:4,6

I work with high school girls on Tuesday nights.

One thing I've noticed is how they gauge their relationship with Christ. I will ask them questions about what God wants for our lives, and they will make comments in return like, "Jesus wants me to not smoke, drink or have sex with my boyfriend."

In my own life, I find myself constantly doing the same thing. I turn my relationship with God into a checklist of dos and do-nots.

Do read your Bible daily.
Do pray as often as possible.
Don't flirt with that boy. He's not a Christian.
Do smile and tell people "I'll pray for you."
Do dress modestly.
Do respond to every compliment with "It's all for/because of Jesus!"
Don't have sex/smoke/drink/do drugs/listen to rock & roll music/do other things otherwise associated with the devil.

And somehow I've made my walk with God burdensome; though He tells me that He gives me rest, I find none. I find only condemnation.

Two Sunday mornings ago I found myself in a very dry place. I sat in my pew and wanted to talk to my Father. Immediatly, I ran over my checklist in my mind.

I hadn't read my Bible in God knows how long.
I hadn't prayed in weeks.

My heart dropped. I didn't deserve to talk to God that morning. I should go home and read my Bible and try again next Sunday.

As I write these words, I recall every youth group meeting/camp/conference of my life. I know that I've been told before that this mindset is not of God; I know that I've been told that there is nothing I can ever do to deserve God's grace. I know that I've been told that He freely gives us His love.

Yet I still find myself staring down at my list of things I need to do in order to be a good Christian and deem myself inadequate.

Derek Webb says it best.

what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything

The truth that we've all been afraid to hear is that the Christian life cannot be simplified to a list of dos and don'ts. It can't really be simplified to anything.

If it could, Christ's death would have been in vain. Think about it.

It's a mysterious, dangerous, unpredicatable life we live. Our God is not a tame God. We ask Him how we should live, and do you know what He tells us?

Follow me.

Not "have a quiet time every morning." Not "join a Bible study or lead it for more jewels in your crown." Not "pray for one hour a day."

Follow me.

This is so frightening because it doesn't fit any formula. It can't be sold on TV. It can't be explained away in one thirty minute small group time. You can't understand it by reading a book about how to learn to listen to the Holy Spirit in seven easy steps (six if you are super spiritual).

This is why we rush back to the law so quickly. It makes logical sense. Service Project X plus Spiritual Discipline Y minus Sin Of Choice Z equals success in Christ.

There is nothing we can do but follow Christ.

I'm starting to see the freedom in that.

do not be afraid